Friends, Bromans, countrymen, lend me your beers.
Ok that was just some LOLs because I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news which is that after two weeks off because I was busy and stuff is dumb I AM BACK to recap “Franklin & Bash” aka “Smugbro & Smoothbro” which is awesome because I hate missing important stuff like the fact that Jonathan Moxon aka THE MOX was on last week’s episode and there were jokes about boning hookers which if you ask me there are NOT NEARLY ENOUGH OF on TV nowadays, bros. The bad news is that this is the season finale which means no more episodes until next summer and considering that “Entourage” is ending soon too this is all like reverse LOLs.
But let’s not get down bros because life is about cherishing what you have and looking at the Solo cup as half full so this is a celebration not a burial which is a good philosophy and also why I’m going to have a stripper pole at my funeral. RIGOR MORTIS IN THE PANTS, SON (The Mox taught us that). Anyway this week’s episode has lots of good stuff like murder trials and dead guys and hot evil chicks in their underwear and teamwork and luchadors who are played by DANNY TREJO. Oh wait I should have said spoiler alert on that last one because that is a BIG REVEAL at the end so just pretend like I didn’t say it or something.
Ok, let’s do this.
So the episode starts out and Franklin and Bash are meeting with some hot chick and her dad who is a luchador which is awesome and the hot chick is all “These new douche owners totes want my dad to lose which is bad because then he has to give up his mask which is bad because of something about honor or whatever” and Franklin’s like “Yeah this sounds like a case Franklin and Bash would take” and then he starts checking out the hot chick and her dad whose name is Ultimo which is awesome is all “QUIT CHECKING OUT MY DAUGHTER” but then he’s like “Whatevs I was mostly kidding even though it didn’t sound like I was and also my voice is very familiar because I am Danny Trejo but no one’s supposed to know that yet so keep pretending like it didn’t get spoiled last paragraph.” So BOOM they’re clients but that’s not the big news because the big news is OMG MURDER.
After the awesome scene with Danny Trejo as a luchador, old dude head honcho bro is walking into court with some sexy lady in a business suit and they go in there and GUESS WHAT HE’S BEING CHARGED WITH MURDER so he goes to jail and the firm has to represent him and we’ll find out in a little that he wants Franklin and Bash to handle his case because yeah that seems like a good idea because they totes haven’t lost a single case since coming to the firm in defiance of stupid things like logic or reason or binding legal precedent. BOOM second client.
Also, the hot lady in the business suit is up to sneaky devious shenanigans and also we see her in her underwear so I’m gonna give her her own page later too because otherwise this episode was pretty light on sluts and cleavage so I think that’s pretty important.
I guess I’ll start with the murder case because it’s the most important and because it’s the one Franklin and Bash are assigned to because they pawn the Danny Trejo is a secret luchador case off on sexy lawyer from “The Jamie Foxx Show.” So that hot lady in the business suit from earlier is named Brett or something which is cool because chicks with boys’ names are hot but not as hot as chicks with names like Mallory or Brooke because chicks with those names are always hot. Where was I? Oh yeah, that lady named Brett is all “I am in charge here and you have to run everything by me Franklin and Bash and play by MY rules not your own rules” and I was like “Yeah right like that’s gonna happen, Brosephina.”
ANYWAY, Franklin and Bash meet with old bro and old bro is like “Well I told the police a long time ago that this guy got lost on a mountain we were climbing or whatever but really I stabbed him but it was pretty much self-defense because he was being a dick and I only lied to police because he was my friend and I didn’t want everyone to remember him for how he was being a dick and made me stab him” and Franklin and Bash were all “Yeah that seems reasonable we got this.”
So Franklin and Bash go to court and Franklin’s all “The DA is going to try to prove to you that old bro killed this other bro and GUESS WHAT HE TOTALLY DID” then everyone was like “WHAT” and Franklin’s all “Yeah ok but if he didn’t then lots of other people would have died and some people’s grandkids would have been sad or whatever” which is a good start but then the DA calls a witness who’s a cop and the cop says “Yeah but old dude got his ASS WHUPPED by dead bro the night before he killed him and was saying he was gonna kill him or something” and the DA was like “OH REALLY I guess he did then.” Then Franklin and Bash asked old dude about how he got beat up old dude was like “I dunno bros I was totes wasted because I am from England and I know how to party” and then we later find out that old dude also emptied out dead bro’s offshore bank account three days after he died but it’s ok because he just gave it to charity or something.
Then some other stuff happens but I wasn’t paying a lot of attention because my bro Troy was all “Let’s go to 50 cent draft night” but I was like “Bro I am trying to watch this show so I can write that recap tomorrow” and Troy was like “Whatever pussy” and I was all “Dude you’re just mad because I write on the Internet and and you don’t and your girlfriend gave Connor a handy at alumni day” and then Troy got all mad and left and when I went back to the show Franklin and Bash had pretty much called a corpse as a witness so I missed EVERYTHING but it ended with old dude winning and the dead guys head falling off and Bash fainting.
Oh and also at one point Franklin was like “Let’s take the jury on a field trip to the morgue” and the DA was all “Do you have permission slips from your mom?” and Franklin was like “We got one from YOUR mom” and Bash goes “Last night” which was SERIOUS LOLs, bros.
Ok this is that hot lady who was in her underwear but was also a bitch. At first I was like “WHOA SELFBRO, what’s with the sexism because maybe she’s just a strong businesswoman and that doesn’t make her a bitch because after all it’s 2011” but then she tried to run dick lawyer and sexy lawyer out of town because they were next in line at the firm if old bro got convicted so then she could take over and also she tried to make Franklin and Bash play by her rules which is stupid and a bitchy thing to do, so yeah she’s a bitch and I’m not a sexist so we can move on to the Danny Trejo is a secret luchador case now.
But seriously bros she has great cans.
Last but not least is the case where Danny Trejo is a secret luchador named Ultimo and some new douchey owners bought the wrestling league and are trying to make Ultimo give up his mask to some other wrestler and Ultimo (Danny Trejo) is like “Nope because of something about honor or whatever” and his daughter is hot and Franklin wants to bone her. The owner douches have a contract that gives them ownership over the characters so sexy lawyer is in court like “Let’s just forget about the contract” and for reasons I can’t understand, the judge is like “No he has to give up that mask” so they need a new strategy.
So Franklin and Bash are meeting to talk about old dude’s murder case and the hot daughter of Ultimo (who is secretly Danny Trejo) comes by because clients are always coming to their house without calling first which is very normal, and she is sad and Franklin’s like “Yo hold on one sec I’m working on this murder thingy” and everyone’s like “YO BRO, what are you doing she’s sad and she likes you so go comfort her and try to get laid instead of worrying about our boss’s huge murder case that our careers probably depend on” which is good advice because CRUSHING TAIL IS IMPORTANT. Then Franklin and her talk for a little and do flirty wrestling stuff and kiss and she’s like “Oh yeah and my dad who is secretly Danny Trejo invented all the moves that everyone uses” and Franklin’s all “Sounds like a copyright law violation” because that is definitely how copyright law works. Trust me bros, I have like a million mp3’s.
So sexy lawyer goes to court and says that and the judge is all “I’ll allow it” so then there’s another negotiation between Ultimo, the douche owners and the other wrestler, and they decide to wrestle for it or something and Franklin and Bash have a party at their house to watch the match and Ultimo wins and then comes over to the party. It turns out the douche owners went broke so now Ultimo (renowned film badass Danny Trejo) and Franklin and Bash are 50% owners of the league. As part of the celebration Franklin kisses that daughter chick and Ultimo sees it and is like, “Hey, I’d like a word buddy” and Franklin is like “Oh crap I’m dead” so they go to talk and Ultimo gets serious and goes to take off his mask and…
SPOILER ALERT VERY IMPORTANT PLOT REVEALS ON THE NEXT PAGE BROS
ULTIMO WAS DANNY TREJO THE WHOLE TIME, SON!
I knew his voice sounded familiar! But it does make you wonder why he didn’t just say who he was earlier because then he coulda been all “Um, excuse me your honor. I am Danny Trejo and I will totally kill everyone if you don’t rule in my favor” or something and then flashed a vest full of knives to the bailiff and they could have just won like twenty minutes into the episode and there would have been more time for sluts playing volleyball in bikinis or twins oil wrestling for margaritas or something important like that. Talk about a squandered opportunity.
So anyway that brings us the end of season one of “Franklin & Bash” and I think I can totes say with 100% certainty that is it the greatest show about bros playing by their own rules and nailing sluts ever. And don’t be sad about this season ending bros and ladybros because like I said in the beginning you need to look at the bright side and take away the important life lessons of the show like how doing business in a hot tub is awesome or how sometimes the problem isn’t the law but it’s that some old dude needed boner pills. You know, life stuff. As long as you remember that stuff, then “Franklin & Bash” will never die.
It’s like that one Chinese bro said, “Don’t curse the darkness bros, light a candle or a fart or put a highlighter in an empty liquor bottle so it glows when you hit it with a black light or maybe just smoke a bowl and play Call of Duty in the dark because that is intense.”