Guy Fieri’s New Book Appears To Be Every Bit The Literary Abortion You Thought It Would Be

FYI, UPROXX family member Drew Magary isn’t the only one with a new book out today. No, porcupine-domed culinary terrorist Guy Fieri has a random collection of words out today, and it appears to be every bit as terrible as walking in on your girlfriend as she’s being drilled balls deep by Glenn Beck.

Thankfully, we didn’t have to read it to figure this out, but some poor schmuck at Flavorwire did. Here’s a sampling of the crap-flower prose you can find in Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives: The Funky Finds in Flavortown

“Sometimes you pull up to a place and you just know it’s going to be good. Well, as I pulled up to Martin’s my phone rang, and it was Kid Rock’s manager telling me that Kid Rock wanted to talk about Triple D. (We rapped for about a half an hour and subsequently did the Kid Rock Triple D special.) Then I walked into the barbecue joint and met a sunburned fan who had been waiting for me all day. Next we got to chop some wood — I believe they had a Jack Daniel’s-handled splitting maul — light a big smoker, and barbecue a whole hog. If they’d thrown in a little ice cold beer and some Hank Williams Junior, I might not have left — ever.”

Don’t ever use lighter fluid — it’s un-American. Amateurs, losers, and idiots use lighter fluid. If you’ve bought this book, you are inherently none of those three things, so let’s make sure to teach others the correct way that real pitmasters start a fire.

“[On] the final leg of the Kid Rock culinary cruise, we ended up at the brewery where Kid Rock made Badass Beer. Now if you’re going to call it Badass beer it better be badass, and all I can tell you is the name fits the bill. Just like his music, the dude delivers. Not one to stray far from his roots or waver on his stance to do good for the city of Detroit, when Kid Rock’s Badass producer unexpectedly closed shop in 2012, Rock knew what to do: build a world-class brewery in the heart of the city staffed by Detroiters and supporting Detroit. Opening Summer 2013. Badass Beer: Trouble Has Been Brewed.”

“It was a lightning bolt of an idea in Flavortown that pranked the un-prankable mayor, Guy Fieri.”

“I lay claim to the knuckle sandwich… it’s my brand, my logo, hell, even my tattoo, so when I find out that two dudes in Austin have opened up a sandwich joint and one of their menu items is the knuckle sandwich, I tell you what, they’d better deliver the real deal. (jk.)”

Believe it or not, there are many more little literary abortions where that came from.