Guy Fieri’s Restaurants Are Coming To A College Near You

As if it weren’t bad enough that college currently costs $8,000-$15,000 more per year than it did ten years ago, burying many of our nation’s youth under a mountain of debt before we shove them out naked and shivering into one of the worst job markets in decades, some institutions of higher learning around the country have gone ahead and done the unthinkable: They’ve invited Guy Fieri to their campuses. The above picture is from Monclair State University in New Jersey, and I have bad news for you … they’re spreading:

Fieri partnered with the French multinational Sodexo to create “fast casual retail dining concept featuring his unique culinary style with hints of Italian, Asian and Mexican flavor.” […]

This is the first of a planned 15 locations in American colleges over the next five years. On the menu: “a broad selection of sandwiches, pasta, tacos, quesadillas, rice bowls, salads, soups and burritos.” Also: Guy’s famous Vegas Fries, “a rockin’ recipe inspired by Guy’s college days featuring extra crispy spuds tossed in buffalo sauce and served with a side of bleu cheese.” [Eater]

Three thoughts:

1) “… his unique culinary style”? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL … [deep breath] … OLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

2) Serious Question: What if Guy Fieri is secretly an Al Qaeda operative? What if they’ve decided that single, large-scale attacks are too risky, and it would be safer to go with a slowly developing plan that involves giving Americans diabetes and heart problems, and lowering our status in the global community by making us all douchebag caricatures with spiky hair and wristbands, so they raised him from birth in an underground compound to be the perfect weapon? First he achievess popularity over the airwaves, then he gains a footing in our major cities, and, finally, he starts indoctrinating our youth from inside our educational institutions. It would almost be too easy.

3) I would have eaten THE HELL out of those Vegas Fries when I was in college. Seriously.

Thanks to Cajun Boy for the tip