‘Can You Imagine If I Was Deranged?’: Dwight Schrute’s Best Lines From ‘The Office’

Features Writer

Easily one of the most memorable television characters in recent memory, The Office‘s Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson) tormented his fellow Dunder-Mifflinites and brought an unnerving weirdness to every scene that he was in. Despite his beet-driven madness and his inability to play nice with others, though, we can’t look away and we’re not too great at neglecting the urge to toss around his most memorable quotes either, so with that in mind, here are some of Dwight Schrute’s best lines:

“I am fast. To give you a reference point, I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose… and a panther.”

“I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran, killed twenty men, then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.”

“Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?”

“I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. In my second life I was also a paper salesman and I was also named Dwight. Absolutely everything was the same… except I could fly.”

“In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild, healthcare is ‘Ow, I hurt my leg! I can’t run.’ A lion eats me, I’m dead. Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead!”

“I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides.”

“In an ideal world, I would have all ten fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.”

“I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.”

“Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if they would, I do not do that thing.”

“How would I describe myself? Three words: hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable.”

“When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.”

“Dammit, Jim! He put my stuff in Jello again.”

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