Discovery has been veering away from science and toward big showy “events” for a while now. We’ve seen it during Shark Week with the fake Megalodon show and other borderline Syfy movie content, and with live primetime specials featuring tightrope walker Nik Wallenda shimmying across various national landmarks on a wire hundreds of feet in the air, and with Felix Baumgartner parachuting to Earth from space back in 2012. Last night they took this to a new extreme with Eaten Alive, a two-hour special — in primetime, on Sunday night — about a man getting eaten by a snake, in which said man barely even got eaten by said snake. It might have been the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen, and I have seen the CMT original movie Whiskey Business starring Pauly Shore.
But I digress. The point here is that this is, like, a thing, and it shows no signs of going away. And so, with that in mind, here are a few other stupid and dangerous suggestions to help Discovery achieve their apparent goal of killing a man on live television.
Human Cannonball – A daredevil attempts to shoot himself over the Grand Canyon.
Brain vs. Brawn – A no-holds-barred street fight is arranged. In one corner, a brilliant but scrawny scientist who spent his entire career researching body mechanics and pressure points. In the other, just the biggest, strongest dumbest idiot anyone can find. Who will prevail?
Walk the Plank – An oceanographer is taken out to the middle of the Pacific and forced to walk off a plank. Then the boat leaves and he has to try to survive for a full day. Or a week. A month? HOW LONG MUST A MAN BOB IN THE OCEAN TO SATISFY YOU, DISCOVERY?
Pepper Pushers – Three pepperheads do shots of pure capsaicin extract at the beginning of the show and then they get filmed for the next two hours.
A Speeding Bullet – Someone tries the old trick where a magician catches a bullet in his teeth, but for real.
Death Race – A world class sprinter wears a belt made out of raw meat and tries to outrun a cheetah. Live broadcast. (Ten second delay.)
The Creek Leap – Timmy from down the street steals his sister’s bike and tries to clear the creek by launching himself off a ramp that consists of a piece of particle board resting on a cinder block. A solid 30 minutes of the two-hour special is his friends chanting “Do it, do it” and calling him names.
Matchstick Man LIVE! – idk someone plays with matches? Gonna need to flesh this one out a bit.
The Beer Mile – A long distance runner attempts to set a world record in the Beer Mile, in which competitors chug a full beer after each of the four laps around a standard track and wait hang on a second. I … I would watch this.
Cat-culus – A cat-loving math professor tries to teach his feline companion Mr. Wiggles the basic elementary school multiplication table. The twist is that if the cat fails a test administered by an impartial examiner at the end of the episode the professor gets shot by a firing squad.
Home for the Holidays – A newly married producer for Discovery goes to his very academic in-laws’ house for Christmas and tries to explain why the network aired a two-hour special about some weirdo getting half-eaten by a snake.
