Here It Is, The Worst Scene From The Worst New TV Show Of The Season

Let me describe to you, in detail, how CBS’ latest hack ’em up drama, Stalker, begins.

It’s nighttime. A young woman calls her husband (boyfriend?) while driving, wondering if he’s home because she’s “craving guacamole.” When she gets out of her car, her phone rings. “I see you made it home, Kate,” we hear a mysterious male voice say. She looks around nervously, demanding to let be alone. Kate tries to get into her house, but a shadowy man in a hoodie and goofy looking mask is blocking the entrance. She runs away, but the man catches up to her, throws her against a car, pours gasoline on her and her vehicle, and lights the automobile on fire while it’s rolling down a steep hill. The automobile crashes and explodes, with Kate inside. Cut to title card: STALKER.

I have no idea what happens next, because after that cold open, I let out an audible NOPE and changed the channel to something more family-friendly: The Bridge (compared to Stalker, everything is family-friendly). It’s my own damn fault for watching even two minutes — I should have known to not bother when I read “created by Kevin Williamson.” He’s done some good work in his career, including writing Scream and The Faculty, but lately, Williamson has become the poster child for senseless, stupid TV violence. I love me an eye-gouging scene, but it needs to serve the plot, not be the plot. (Oberyn vs. the Mountain, for instance, worked as well as it did because the entire season had been building to that point.) That’s why incessantly grim shows like The Following, which Williamson also created, are such a slog — they’re torture porn when all you want is a good ol’ fashioned amateur co-ed gangbang.

There are a lot of really bad new shows this season — Manhattan Love Story and Red Band Society are sappy nonsense; “A Streetcar Named Marge” is a more accurate depiction of the Big Easy than NCIS: New Orleans; The Mysteries of Laura and Bad Judge dare to ask if WOMEN CAN HAVE IT ALL – but Stalker is the worst one of them all. You’d be better off watching Saw 14: Gettin’ Jigsaw Wit It.

Speaking to members of the Television Critics Association, Williamson said, “We all can be stalkers. We’ve all stalked someone at one time.” When asked by the TCA “Why is this interesting? Why is this fun or entertaining?” Williamson answered only, “Turn the channel.” (Via)