How To Live Life The Michael Shannon Way

Senior Pop Culture Editor
06.13.13 12 Comments

michael shannon

A part of me feels bad for Michael Shannon. He’ll forever be known as The Creepy Guy first, followed by Great Actor, Good Musician, and Decent Pub Trivia Question (“What was Michael Shannon’s first acting job?” “Playing a troubled teen in the Every Mother’s Nightmare’s ‘House of Pain’ music video”). I don’t feel THAT bad for him, though, because goddamn, no one plays scary creepy better than Michael Shannon. No offense, Steve Buscemi.

This week, Shannon can be seen in his most prominent mainstream role yet, playing General Zod in Man of Steel (according to Vince in his review of the film, “Zod just sort of shows up to kill everyone, and you wonder, why?” BECAUSE. THAT’S WHY). To most, however, he’ll forever be known as the Jew-drowning, name-changing Federal Prohibition agent on Boardwalk Empire…even if Nelson Van Alden/George Mueller never appears on a Walmart pizza box. Curious what it’s like to be Shannon? Here’s a 10-step guide on how to live your life the man himself.

#1. Always uncomfortably loom.

loom shannonshannon loom

#2. Confront your enemies by scalding them with an iron.


#3. Look creepy while eating.

michael shannon eating

#4. Look creepy while hitting yourself with a belt.

van alden beltbelt van alden

#5. Look creepy while…I have no idea.

michael shannon boxmichael shannon shirtless

#6. Get Paz de la Huerta pregnant (NOTE: do not get Paz de la Huerta pregnant).

paz pregnant
paz michael shannon

#7. C*nt punt whenever possible.

michael shannon swearing

#8. Don’t hurt yourself trying to smile.

paz smile

#9. Drown a Jew if given the opportunity.

#10. And above all, BRING LEMONS.

michael shannon lemons

Congratulations. You’re now Michael Shannon. THEY will be kneeling before you soon enough.

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