How Will The Chris Brown And Rihanna Tragedy End, According To 'Law & Order: SVU'?

Last night, NBC aired the episode of Law & Order: SVU that was about Chris Brown and Rihanna, but wasn’t about Chris Brown and Rihanna, and how he’s a worthless pile of elephant dung (but elephant dung with a heart, you guys), and nope, it definitely wasn’t about Chris Brown and Rihanna, even though it was totally about Chris Brown and Rihanna. The ripped-from-the-headlines episode, “Funny Valentine,” detailed the saga of Caleb Bryant, who beats his girlfriend, Micha, after she calls him out for flirting with another woman. Also, Dave Navarro’s there.

We don’t know how Chris Brown and Rihanna’s story will end in real life, but SVU does.

Meet Not Chris Brown and Not Rihanna.


Everything’s going swimmingly (one could say they found love in a hopeless place -ella -ella), until this happens.

A “Jew Lawyer” is asked for.

And a Jew Lawyer you shall receive.

Fake-Rihanna-Who-Isn’t-Playing-Fake-Rihanna-But-Looks-Like-Rihanna has a way with words.

A face you could just squeeze to death.

Yes, that is a New York Post headline.

If you look closely enough, you can see Tambor’s eyes screaming for help.

During a reconciliation tour, Fake CB offers Fake Ri a friendship ring on Wendy. Bowtie’s all for him, though.

Yup, definitely not Chris Brown.


Not Rihanna agrees to testify against Not Chris Brown after a nightclub gunshot that leaves her mentor dead.

Until she doesn’t, because “love rules over all.” This Photoshop cost NBC $45 million.

Right after the trial, they take a romantic vacation somewhere, when he gets a text message.

Quick cut to…JESUS. The end.