Rob Lowe: Hi, I’m Rob Lowe, and I have DirecTV.
Serial Killer Rob Lowe: And I’m Serial Killer Rob Lowe, and I have cable.
Rob Lowe: Wait, where’s Painfully Awkward Rob Lowe?
Serial Killer Rob Lowe: Who?
Rob Lowe: Painfully Awkward Rob Lowe. Strange guy, weird haircut with a part in the middle, bad teeth. He was supposed to meet me here but I never heard from him this morning.
Serial Killer Rob Lowe: Huh. Yeah. Never heard of him.
Rob Lowe: That’s odd. He usually wears a fanny pack, if that helps. Looks a lot like the one you’re wearing actually. Almost exactly like it, in fact.
Serial Killer Rob Lowe: Oh yeah. Him. He’s, uh … fine.
Rob Lowe: Oh, great! What a relief! Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. With DirecTV, you get access to hundreds of channels in sparkling high definition. You won’t find higher quality anywhere.
Serial Killer Rob Lowe: I don’t watch much TV. I spend most of my time in the woods, digging holes and looking for teenagers who drove out there to find a private place to make out.
Rob Lowe: Oh … okay. DirecTV has also ranked higher than cable in customer service surveys for 10 years running.
Serial Killer Rob Lowe: [silently sharpens knife]
Rob Lowe: What are you doing?
Serial Killer Rob Lowe: Who? Me?
Rob Lowe: Yes, you. You’re supposed to say something about cable. You know, how bad it is.
Serial Killer Rob Lowe: Oh, right. I really hate cable. I hate it so much. Sometimes I just want sneak up on cable and throw it in the trunk of my car. Then I’d wait. A day, maybe two. Let cable scream it out for a while. Eventually I’d open it up and bring cable out to my shed, where I keep my tools. That’s when the real fun starts. First I get some jumper cables and a bucket of water, and then I-…
Rob Lowe: JESUS.
Serial Killer Rob Lowe: What? Too much?
Rob Lowe: [flabbergasted] Yes! Way too much! I mean … good lord. You know what? This isn’t working. I’m going to call Less Attractive Rob Lowe and have him take your place.
[Rob Lowe dials the number, moments later a phone starts ringing from inside the fanny pack Serial Killer Rob Lowe is wearing]
Rob Lowe: Hey, wait a minute. What’s going on here? Why do you have Less Attractive Rob Lowe’s phone? That IS Painfully Awkward Rob Lowe’s fanny pack, isn’t it? My God. MY GOD. What have you done with them?! … Hold on, what are you doing with that rope? No, you stay over there! No! Nooooooooooooooooooo!
[Rob Lowe turns toward the camera as he’s being dragged off the set by Serial Killer Rob Lowe]
Rob Lowe: Don’t be like this me. Upgrade to DirecTV. AND CALL THE POLICE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.