John Oliver Tells Birds To Go [Expletive] Themselves In This ‘Last Week Tonight’ Web Exclusive

Despite hipster fashion’s incessant need to “put a bird on it,” birds — a.k.a. “cat feeders” or “sky mice” — are actually not all they’re cracked up to be, which John Oliver sums up in this web exclusive with Last Week Tonight on hiatus again this week. As birds in the northeast will soon make their yearly migration to warmer climates, Oliver has one message for them, and that is: “F**k you, birds! F**k you!”

Oliver points out that, to him, “every bird is just a sh*tty sequel to the dinosaurs,” and we’d be better off without them. And no bird is safe from his anti-bird rant, as he systematically takes them down by species, appropriately starting off with geese — which we all know are the most terrible of birds. Here are some of his more pointed observations:

  • “I’m supposed to like parrots just because they can talk? Basically every human being talks, and I hate most of them!”
  • “Ostriches, you can go straight to hell, you first draft flamingos. You look like a giant ball of lint trying to up-sh*t out a huge leathery snake.”
  • “F**k you, swans and pelicans, you look like monsters from a fish’s nightmare that came to life.”
  • “As for hummingbirds, you’re just obese bees in need of a nose job.”

Last Week Tonight returns in two weeks on September 25, by which time our feathered friends may have finally cooled from these scorching hot takes.

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