Good news and bad news, Mad Men fans.
GOOD: If you’re in the market for memorabilia from the show, and are willing to act quickly, you could be in luck. Screenbid, “the world’s best source for certified authentic, screen-used Hollywood memorabilia and collectibles,” is currently hosting an auction of items from the show. (Perhaps you remember them from their Justified auction earlier this year.) So very many items from the show, ranging from business cards to clothes to cars to… we’ll get to that. Things get weird.
BAD: The following items are not available:
- Bert Cooper’s octopus sex painting
- Peggy’s rat-killing knife-on-a-stick
- Ginsberg’s nipple
- Bob Benson’s swim trunks
It’s like, why even have the auction if you’re not gonna do it right, you know? But we’ll have to make due with what we got. Here are some of the best and weirdest items you can buy.
We start at the top, with the most expensive item in the auction, Don’s Cadillac. As I type this, the top bid is coming in at $26,500, so if you have a whole bunch of disposable income and want to cruise around town like a smooth, damaged, fingerbanger extraordinaire, here’s your chance.
My recommendation: Drive it for a few years then toss the keys to some delinquent teenage grifter and just walk away.
Item: Roger’s Office Bar Cart
Lest you forget Mad Men was a show about people who drank a lot at work, there are a ton of bar carts and alcohol bottles and glasses available. Really just an incredible amount. Do a search for “bar” to get the full idea, but I really don’t think you can improve on the cart from Roger’s office, if only because the man was a professional.
Item: Stan’s Silk Neck Scarf
Not gonna lie: The first thing I did when I pulled up this auction was type “STAN” into the search bar, just like that, in all caps. I was not disappointed. In addition to the scarf pictured above, you can also get “Stan’s Maroon Button Down With Love Beads.” THEY’RE JUST THROWING IN THE LOVE BEADS! THAT’S GOOD VALUE!
The key is to buy this one and carry it around everywhere with you. That way, whenever a receptionist or customer service representative or ticket agent at the airport annoys you, you can pull it out and smash it on their desk while shouting “SURPRISE! THERE’S AN AIRPLANE HERE TO SEE YOU!”
Then you’ll probably get arrested. But it will be worth it. (It will probably not be worth it. Still.)
Item: The Bert Cooper Asian Office Starter Kit
Yes, the omission of the octopus painting is tragic and sad, but if you still wanna live that shoes-free Bert Cooper life at work, fear not. There are paintings and pillows and art and rugs and more paintings and more pillows. Once you have all of those, you can commission your own painting of a sea creature pleasuring a lady. Or draw one yourself! That wouldn’t be weird!
You have options, is my point.
Blood-splattered clothing from the infamous lawnmower scene. This is, somehow, only the third most morbid item available in this auction.
The medical examiner’s form that Don has to sign to identify Ida Blankenship — secretary and astronaut — after she died in the office. This is, somehow, only the second most morbid item available in this auction.
Item: Lane’s Rope
Hoo boy. Yup, the actual rope Lane Pryce used to hang himself is up for auction. And someone bid $225 on it! Why would you do that?!
“Hey, Dan. What’s up with that rope?”
“Remember Mad Men?”
“That, my friend, is the very rope Lane Pryce used to hang himself at work.”
“Yup, only cost me $225, too.”
“Jesus Christ, Dan.”
This item is terrific, not only because it’s a memorable item from the show, but also because whoever writes the descriptions at Screenbid decided to editorialize a bit.
In the eleventh episode of season five, Joan — in exchange for a partnership with the firm — sleeps with (that pig) Herb Rennet, head of the Dealers Association and a member of Jaguar’s selection committee. This is the emerald necklace (costume jewelry) he puts around her neck.
Item: Stanhope Hotel Telephone
DICK PHONE! IT’S ROGER’S DICK PHONE! THE ONE FROM THE HOTEL!
Best part: The bidding is only up to $175 right now, which I can only assume is because people haven’t put together the importance of this item. If people knew it was Roger’s Dick Phone, I’ve got to believe it would cost at least as much as Don’s Caddy. This is a slice of TV history, people.
Pete’s famous blue suit. I’m bringing this to your attention because NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO BID ON IT. This one is mine. Do you hear me? MINE. I’m going to buy it, and then when it comes, I am going to carefully unbox it, put it on a scarecrow, shove a pound of raw bacon into the pockets, and then heave it into the bear pit at the zoo. You know, for old time’s sake.
We all have dreams.