Matthew McConaughey’s New Lincoln Commercials Are A Load Of Silent Hooey

Matthew McConaughey’s first run of commercials for Lincoln took the world by storm in 2014. There were mashups, and remixes, and parodies, and parodies, and parodies. And yeah, things got a little out of hand for a minute there, but for good reason. What a magical little bit of advertising they were, proving once again that all you need is some loopy McConaughey rambling and you can sell anything. Doesn’t matter what he’s talking about, either. Cars, hugging trees, the smell of a fresh rain, etc. There was one commercial — again, for a luxury automobile — where he spent the whole time talking to a bull named Cyrus. I swear to God. Look, proof.

Well, now McConaughey and Lincoln are teaming up for a new series of ads to roll out the 2016 models. The ads, which you may have seen during the first weekend of NFL football games, are actually part of a short film directed by Gus Van Sant. The whole thing is posted at the top of the page, and it follows McConaughey on his way to some fancy poker game, and there’s a whole backstory for it all in accompanying videos on Lincoln’s YouTube page, and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY DOESN’T MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY TALK IN THESE? He’s silent the entire time! Why would you do this?! You could hire any $50 haircut if you’re just gonna have him sit there! Give me the full McConaughey or give me nothing at all, Lincoln.

And it cuts even deeper at the end when the hand plays out and McConaughey beats a full house with a straight flush. Like, can you even imagine playing poker with Matthew McConaughey? It would be so weird!

OPPONENT: Full house. Queens full of jacks.

MCCONAUGHEY: Ahhh. Three queens and two princes. A full house, indeed. Not enough bath-rooms. But who’s the real queen bee in this abode, kemosabe? The Queen of Hearts, that red-blooded minx? Is she fit to rule? Her kingdom depends on it.

OPPONENT: [rubbing temples] Can you beat it or not?

MCCONAUGHEY: And what if one of those Jacks gets ideas about becoming a King? I’m talkin’ mat-ri-cide, chief. Ahhh, the cruelest of all crimes. Destroy that from whence you came. Power. Jealousy. Men-en-dez.

OPPONENT: Just show your goddamn cards.

MCCONAUGHEY: [shows straight flush from 2 to 6] The peasants have banded together, my good man. Down with the monarchy. It’s a revolution!

OPPONENT: Jesus Christ.