TV

Allow Nick Offerman To Recite A Poem About His Favorite Subject, Chopping Firewood

On last night’s show, Jimmy Fallon pulled a card from The Tonight Show suggestion box that read, “Hey Jimmy, this time of year I love nothing more than a big old stack of firewood, what about you?” But because Jimmy Fallon is a city boy who has probably never wielded an axe in his entire life and the closest he’s ever come to losing a finger was getting his ring caught when he tripped, he turned the subject over to his good friend Nick Offerman, who just happened to be conveniently waiting backstage with a stack of wood and a poem.

Once again Offerman put on display the image of a manly man bearing the sensitive, brooding soul of an artist as he read his poem, which I’ve taken the liberty to transcribe below:

Firewood, oh firewood, you are my one true friend
I love to chop you in my yard, and stack you end to end
Up and down, and up again, I swing my trusty axe
Splitting each piece right in half, with the sound of my mighty thwacks
And when that pile gets high enough, I’ll shed a single tear
For there is no wood left to chop, yet I am still right here
I’ll bring that wood inside my house, beside the fireplace
And build a fire so damn hot, it’ll singe the brows right off your face
Firewood, oh firewood, today you’ve served me well
I’ll crack open a cold beer, and I’ll see all you sons of bitches in hell

If that doesn’t make you want to pack all your belongings and move to a cabin out in the woods, I don’t know what will.

Later Offerman and Fallon discussed the time they met the president and First Lady Michelle Obama, who somehow got both men to wear embarrassing fitness gear for her “Let’s Move” campaign. But that’s really besides the point because Fallon also got a hold of some old home movies helpfully provided by Offerman’s mother, and if anyone needs tickets to the gun show I’ve got them right here.

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