TV

O Boyd, Where Art Thou? 10 Questions We Have About The 2013 Emmy Nominees

Now that you’ve had enough time to attempt to digest, then end up spitting out, who the 2013 Emmy voters believe are the five best sound mixers for a variety series or special in the business, it’s time to breakdown some of this year’s most contentious categories. Do we have questions? Boy(d), do we have questions.

1. Whose meat does Nick Offerman need to tornado to get an Emmy nomination?

The fact that Nick Offerman hasn’t been nominated for his performance as Ron Swanson, EVER, is so far beyond insanity that even Mona-Lisa Saperstein thinks it’s crazy. Swanson is one of TV’s most iconic characters, of this decade and any, but every year, he gets blocked by some sort of Modern Family triumvirate. This year, it’s Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Ed O’Neill, and Ty Burrell (the only who deserves it), as well as Girls‘ Adam Driver, Veep‘s Tony Hale (woot), and SNL‘s Bill Hader (also woot). If Offerman gets no love next year, too, for Parks‘ final season, that’ll go down as an injustice as great as The Wire getting snubbed and 9/11. Combined.

2. Um, where’s Justified?

Get rid of “ass,” and yes.

3. Did voters not realize Tatiana Maslany plays ALL the clones?

I can’t think of another reason why she wasn’t nominated, other than they must have assumed there were seven different actresses playing the seven clones, and rather than try to pick only one (TEAM ALISON), they decided to reward none. Yeah, that must be it. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that like comedies at the Oscars, science fiction has always been, and will always be, ignorantly ignored by the Emmys. (Especially science-fiction on BBC America.) Oh well. Now it’s that much easier to root for Elisabeth Moss or Kerry Washington.

4. Do you want to know the thing the Emmys got the MOST wrong?

Hm. Let’s take a look at the Outstanding Original Music and Lyrics category. I’m sure Bob’s Burgers is in there somewhere. OK, Nashville, that makes sense. No surprise that Smash got two nominations. 30 Rock for “Rural Juror”? No complaints from me. I’m beginning to get worried, though. “More or Less the Kind of Thing You May or May Not Possibly See on Broadway” from The Neighbors? I guess. “If I Had Time” from this year’s Tonys definitely deserved some recognition, and…wait, that’s it??? No Bob’s Burgers? IT’S NOT OKAY IT’S NOT OKAY.

5. Will I ever stop complaining?

Yes, but only for a second. It’s easy and a lot more fun to yell at the Emmys for everything they got wrong, but they got a lot right, too, including: Louie/Louis C.K./”Daddy’s Girlfriend (Part 1),” animated love for Bob’s Burgers and Adventure Time (though none for Archer, The Venture Bros., or American Dad!), Bobby Cannavale for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama (next year, Richard), Elisabeth Moss for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Miniseries or a Movie, so much yet the right amount of adoration for Breaking Bad (including key editing and directing categories for “Dead Freight” and “Gliding Over All”), and the fact that Netflix shows weren’t overlooked. House of Cards got nine nominations, Arrested Development three, and Hemlock Grove (hahahaha) two. Hopefully no one forgets about Orange is the New Black, which missed the eligibility deadline, this time next year, when it goes up against All Amy Poehler Everything. OK, now back to bitching.

6. What song did Michelle Fairley dream of last night?

And today, she got cut…off by Emilia Clarke, who will represent Game of Thrones for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama. No disrespect to Dany, who had an amazing season (I think a lot of people have forgotten just how good she was because her big moment came midway through the year), but I’d probably have picked Michelle Fairley instead, simply for her magnificent performance in “The Rains of Castamere.”

7. How does Vincent Kartheiser feel about his snub?

Supporting Actor in a Drama Series was the single hardest category to narrow down to only six finalists, as discussed here, so while I can’t really complain about who ended up getting nominated (with the exception of Jim Carter — the Emmys loves Downton Abbey as much as the rest of the world did two years ago), I wish they had found room for well-dressed creep Pete Campbell…and well-distressed kingslayer Jaime Lannister.

8. What other shows had no shot of getting nominated but still should have?

Hannibal (a pay cable lion in network’s clothing), Happy Endings (too fast, too obscure, too funny), Rectify, and TNT’s late, lamented Southland. OK, technically, Southland appears in the Outstanding Stunt Coordination for a Drama Series, Miniseries, or Movie category, alongside Blue Blood and NCIS, but that’s even more embarrassing than getting nothing at all. (Also, one show that should have had ALL the chances, New Girl, was shut out, only a year after getting five of them. Nick Miller’s gonna eat a sandwich while crying tonight.)

9. What was the worst show to receive a random nomination?

It’s tempting to choose the aforementioned Hemlock Grove, but I’m going with Hot in Cleveland for Outstanding Multi-Camera Picture Editing for a Comedy Series, if only because it’s important to remember it’s someone’s job to say, “My god, this Hot in Cleveland episode has AMAZING multi-camera picture editing.”

10. But, seriously? No Boyd?

I’m trying to remember the ABCs — Always. Be. Cool. — but nope. I’m packing heat with my beanbag gun.

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