Oh Thank Goodness, ‘The Osbournes’ Reality Show Is Being Revived

Because the television landscape of today is apparently sorely lacking people throwing ham at their neighbors and crappy little dogs crapping everywhere, Sharon Osbourne announced today that The Osbournes are being revived! Hooray! Or the opposite of that! The series is supposed to start filming in January and will blessedly be kept to an eight episode engagement. According to The Mirror:

The former X Factor judge announced the news on Loose Women [ed note: actual name of a British show that has been on for fifteen years] today, saying Ozzy wants to document their lives now that he’s sober following battles with alcohol and drug abuse.

She said: “Ozzy’s decided he wants to do another few episodes, about eight, of The Osbournes. “It’s been 13 years since we first did it. He said for the three years we did he was drunk the whole time and he’d like to be sober.”

I guess that’s nice that he’s sober now and everything, but the whole reason why everybody watched The Osbournes was to see Ozzy slurring all over the place and Kelly and Jack being useless slobs. Who’s going to want to watch now that Ozzy’s sober, Kelly’s had a Hollywood makeover and Jack is like married with kids? Nobody, that’s who. If watching people who have their sh*t together was bankable, we wouldn’t have like fifty different versions of the Real Housewives.