After months of anticipation, American Horror Story finally returns tomorrow night with season six. That means we’ll finally find out what the big mystery is all about. Of course, just because this season’s theme is top secret didn’t stop FX from promoting the mother-loving heck out of it, with a grand total of 25 teasers which may or may not even have anything to do with the season. Our own Josh Kurp noted that the marketing strategy was a risky move that just might end up paying off in the end (if the big reveal lives up to viewer expectations), but having said that, some of the teasers were clearly more successful than others.
Much like, say, your average season of American Horror Story, some of the teasers were legitimately creepy, some just made us roll our eyes, while others were downright really bad. In honor of the show’s sixth season, we’ve decided to rank the six best and six worst teasers, starting with the bottom of the barrel and working our way up to the best.
So as I’d imagine Ryan Murphy likes to say when he starts throwing a bunch of crap at the wall that eventually becomes a season of American Horror Story: “Here goes nothing!”
#6: “The Shadow”
I actually wasn’t sure if I wanted to put this in the best or the worst column, because the concept of a living shadow monster is admittedly kind of cool. But the cheesy execution, complete with the woman’s brief Olive Oyl scream at the end, just kind of ruins it.
#5: “Bathing Beauty”
There’s nothing scary about a bunch of dirty old hair matted in the bottom of a bathtub, unless your phobia involves plumbing bills. This almost gets points for the way she slowly turns her head around — because, OMG, what’s gonna be wrong with her face! — but then it turns out it’s just a big mouth lined with teeth, which is really more silly than scary.
Continuing on the theme of body parts in places where they shouldn’t be, here is a functioning eyeball looking out of a mouth. Oh no, don’t let the scary mouth eyeball get me!
#3: “The Visitors”
An alien theme carries through several of the teasers, but this is literally just a bunch of crop circles. To say “M. Night Shyamalan already did this better” is saying a lot.
#2: “The Mist”
One of the supposedly leaked would-be theories about season six was that it was going to be titled “The Mist,” but if this teaser with the same name is any indication let’s hope not; it features a lame monster with bad CGI that looks like the second coming of Scorpion King.
#1: “Bite Me”
It’s actually a fairly impressive feat to have a teaser feature something as universally terrifying as a spider and make it not scary at all by having the spider actually open its mouth and scream at you. I laughed when the spider screamed and then I watched it multiple times and laughed and laughed some more. Probably not the effect they were going for.
#6: “Camp Sight”
As if the thought of getting abducted by aliens right from your site isn’t horrifying enough to make you swear off camping, getting snapped in half might do it.
“Anthology” breaks the format of the traditional teasers to walk us down memory lane to past seasons, to hopefully make us forget how uneven and sometimes disappointing they were in order to build excitement for the upcoming season. And hey! It works!
#4: “Baby Face”
The term “baby face” will forever be ruined thanks to Tommy Wiseau, but this teaser is no joke because, as we mentioned before, creepy dolls and puppets are never not terrifying.
#3: “Blind Date”
Girl meets swamp monster, girl falls in love with swamp monster. This random, bizarre teaser in the style of a campy ’50s horror movie probably has little to do with the upcoming season, sadly, but it’s also the most fun.
#2: “The Lesson”
Since we know this season is going to involve children somehow, another leaked rumor suggested the lost Roanoke colony, and other teasers have hinted at cornfields and alien abduction (see above), it is very possible the upcoming season will have some sort of Children of the Corn vibe. And if this chilling teaser is any indication, it’s certainly not the worst-case scenario.
#1: “Bite Me”
Uh, did I mention that the spider screams? I did mention that, right? Please make this the theme of season six; American Horror Story: The Screaming Spider. Just a whole season of this spider screaming at people. It still couldn’t be worse than Coven.