With just three days until the new season of Orange is the New Black dropping on Netflix, I thought it would be fun to go through and rank the inmates of the Litchfield Correctional Facility as to whom I’d most want to have my back if I were incarcerated. (For some kind of glamorous jewel heist, I imagine.)
I only included the top ten, at my discretion, so if I missed someone it was probably intentional. Which is, for example, why I omitted Lorna — because all she’d do is mope about her fake wedding and nonexistent fiancee, if you can even imagine being stuck in prison with that.
So, here we go with the top ten:
Religion isn’t so much my thing, and let’s face it: Pennsatucky is just plain crazy. And not even like, “good” prison crazy, just gross, trashy meth crazy — which is good for nothing if you even get your ass handed to you by Piper Chapman. Pass.
9) Crazy Eyes
Crazy Eyes would definitely be good to have your back in prison, since she’s insane and everyone is kind of terrified of her. Other side of the coin? You have to be Crazy Eyes’ wife. Not so much worth it.
Dayanara really can’t be trusted. She comes off all innocent, but then — BAM — she’s screwing her mom’s boyfriend and having sex with a guard to pin her pregnancy on him. Is that really the kind of person you’d want looking out for you in prison? No thanks.
7) Piper Chapman
Piper would be great to have in prison to discuss quiche recipes and peplum tops, and have on hand to smack down the threat of midget attacks — but when it comes down to it, Piper is constantly f*cking up. It would only be a matter of time before some of her sh*t would end up sticking to you.
Under Nicky’s surly, sarcastic demeanor, she’s got a heart of gold. Nicky’s also kind of a free agent, though, sleeping around with half of the female inmate population — so I don’t know how loyal she’d be over the long haul.
5) Alex Vause
I mean, if I had to pick anyone to be my lesbian prison wife…
4) Big Boo
Because no one is going to mess with someone named Big Boo, obviously. And Big Boo HAS A DOG NAMED LITTLE BOO. Big Boo and Little Boo and one of them is a dog? Sold. Also, she dresses like the Six Flags guy in real life.
Red would have probably ranked higher — if not #1 — if it hadn’t been for getting blacklisted from the cafeteria at the end of last season and starved out by the Latinos. She’s pretty much isolated herself from everyone at this point, both intentionally and unintentionally, but I have almost no doubt she’ll bounce back in Season Two. And I’d want to have her on my side when she does.
Um, hello, Sophia is only the most fabulous inmate at Litchfield, and if she was on your side, your hair and makeup would always look stone cold diva-status. Downside … To attract pervy guards and Crazy Eyes? Ehh, I’ll still take it. A little self esteem can go a long way in prison.
1) Taystee & Poussey
Taystee and Poussey count as one because they’re pretty much inseparable, and without a doubt are the most fun Litchfield inmates. If they’d have me into their two person clique, we’d crack jokes all day, watching cooking shows and make fun of the other inmates and it would be amazing. Hell, I wouldn’t even settle on them to have my back in prison, I’d want to be friends with them in real life. I don’t know if anyone can horn in on this dynamic, though.