Ranking The Top 10 ‘Orange Is The New Black’ Inmates We’d Want To Have Our Back In Prison

06.03.14 5 years ago 11 Comments
With just three days until the new season of Orange is the New Black dropping on Netflix, I thought it would be fun to go through and rank the inmates of the Litchfield Correctional Facility as to whom I’d most want to have my back if I were incarcerated. (For some kind of glamorous jewel heist, I imagine.)

I only included the top ten, at my discretion, so if I missed someone it was probably intentional. Which is, for example, why I omitted Lorna — because all she’d do is mope about her fake wedding and nonexistent fiancee, if you can even imagine being stuck in prison with that.

So, here we go with the top ten:

10) Pennsatucky

Religion isn’t so much my thing, and let’s face it: Pennsatucky is just plain crazy. And not even like, “good” prison crazy, just gross, trashy meth crazy — which is good for nothing if you even get your ass handed to you by Piper Chapman. Pass.

9) Crazy Eyes

Crazy Eyes would definitely be good to have your back in prison, since she’s insane and everyone is kind of terrified of her. Other side of the coin? You have to be Crazy Eyes’ wife. Not so much worth it.

8) Dayanara

Dayanara really can’t be trusted. She comes off all innocent, but then — BAM — she’s screwing her mom’s boyfriend and having sex with a guard to pin her pregnancy on him. Is that really the kind of person you’d want looking out for you in prison? No thanks.

7) Piper Chapman

Piper would be great to have in prison to discuss quiche recipes and peplum tops, and have on hand to smack down the threat of midget attacks — but when it comes down to it, Piper is constantly f*cking up. It would only be a matter of time before some of her sh*t would end up sticking to you.

6) Nicky

Under Nicky’s surly, sarcastic demeanor, she’s got a heart of gold. Nicky’s also kind of a free agent, though, sleeping around with half of the female inmate population — so I don’t know how loyal she’d be over the long haul.

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