Here Is A Clip From ‘Today’ Of A Woman Hitching A Ride On A Great White Shark

Nope. Nope nope nope. NOPE.

This is a short clip that aired on Today this morning, featuring a woman named Ocean Ramsey leaving the safety of her steel cage, grabbing a great white shark’s fin, and just riding it all around the ocean like it isn’t a soulless hunting machine with cold, dead eyes, and a mouth filled with steak knives. I wasn’t watching it live — thankfully, because I am not equipped to handle this kind of thing before about 11 a.m. — but someone brought this clip to my attention and now I am TERRIFIED. Why would you leave the cage?! Why would you even go down IN A CAGE?! I mean, sure, I get that you want to prove a point about how sharks aren’t “actually” that “violent,” but didn’t you see Grizzly Man? This only ends one of two ways: 1) You ride a shark for a minute and people say “Oh, neat,” or 2) You get the sh-t eaten out of you. Not worth it.

It’s like the whole Poop Cruise thing. Why not just go to a nice all-inclusive resort? It’s got the same type of amenities, tons of food and drink, and, oh, also, from my experience, HOTELS DON’T SINK OR BREAK DOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN. What are you people thinking? And don’t even get me started on rogue waves. What are you going to do if one of those hits your ship? Ride a shark back to shore? Lemme know how that works out for you. Oh wait, you won’t be able to, BECAUSE YOU’LL BE DEAD. All things considered, the people who were crapping into bags for a week on a giant, glorified rowboat got off easy, if you ask me.

My point, which I have made many times before, is this: The ocean is not to be trusted. Stay on dry land.

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