Ron Swanson and Andy Dwyer’s Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse

Over on GQ, Nick Offerman and Chris Pratt — who play Ron Swanson and Andy Dwyer on “Parks and Recreation” — offer up their “12-Step Plan for Survivin’ the Apocalypse” in preparation for the Mayan predicted End of Days. Highlights from the 12 Steps include:


Fill the tub with water. For this tub, as well as the contents of your hot-water heater, will be your drinking supply. Fill the sinks with scotch—and cover, obviously.


If there’s any looting to be done, focus on marijuana dispensaries. If you don’t live in California, that’s too bad. We have marijuana dispensaries.

Feasting on Fatties:

Assemble a posse of hooligan underlings, choosing a mix of muscular physiques and corpulent ones. Harvest fat from the chubbies and cook the muscular folks in it. When the fatties run out of cellulite to harvest, they are now prime, lean cooking specimens. Obviously you’ll need to be fattening up new “team members” as you go, perpetuating the savory cycle.

Punching Grizzly Bears:

Find a large grizzly bear. Punch it in the face. It’s cool; no more PETA. If you enjoy it like we do, keep it up. Punch every bear you can find. Punch a cougar. Good times are hard to come by in the Apocalypse.

And, of course, a trip to Fenway Park:

Set out for the Massachusetts area with your team of marauders, living off human flesh and the occasional bear feast. Make your way to Fenway Park and play ball all day long. Nobody will stop you; it’ll be totally awesome! Paint a huge cock and balls on the Green Monster!

You can read the entire 12 steps over on GQ or you can just start rehearsing for the apocalypse now by painting a huge cock and balls on your bedroom wall.