‘Scandal’ Season Finale Recap: Things Go Boom

04.18.14 13 Comments

Previously on Scandal: There’s a bomb! Again! Why does everyone always have bombs on this show?!

I want to be very clear about what happened here.

The President of the United States almost lost his bid for re-election — to the current Vice President, who was running against him a few months after stabbing her secretly gay husband to death with a letter opener — because his campaign manager slash mistress’s terrorist mother rigged a bomb to explode during his eulogy at the funeral for a dignified, important American, but the President wasn’t there because his Chief of Staff knowingly put hundreds of lives at risk by stalling the President in the hopes the bomb would kill all his opponents right before the election, and the whole thing ended up backfiring because the Vice President was able to run around at the scene patching up wounds like politically savvy Florence Nightingale, much to the delight of news outlets and the American voting public.


The President ended up getting the sympathy vote back and winning the election because his son died under mysterious circumstances, on stage, during a campaign event, which everyone thought was the work of his campaign manager slash mistress’s mother, so his campaign manager slash mistress’s father — the recently deposed head of a powerful, hyper-secretive government spy agency — promised to track her down and kill her, in part because she — his former wife — had just stabbed him and left him for dead a few days earlier, which is how he and the President were able to meet in the hospital and set this plan in motion.


It turned out that the President’s campaign manager slash mistress’s father was actually the one who poisoned the President’s son, with the help of a trusty Secret Service agent, because (a) his daughter wanted the President to get re-elected because she loves him, (b) he wanted revenge on the President for stringing his daughter along like some side-piece whore (to quote the President’s wife, who was raped by the President’s father, which also was revealed last night, because Scandal), and (c) by securing another four years for the President, and making him think that he killed the woman responsible for murdering his son (which he didn’t technically do), he was able to get himself re-appointed to the position of Top Murderin’ Banana at his beloved hyper-secretive spy agency, and the only person who figured this out was an employee at his daughter’s crisis management agency — which is now disbanded because his daughter is on a plane to God-knows-where with the guy who replaced her father as the head of the spy agency after her father kept him locked in hole in the ground for years — who now may or may not be dead.

Also, Huck and Quinn had gross sex next to a pool of blood.

So, you know, there’s that.


Quick note about Huck’s beard: Huck’s always rocking a very intense 7 o’clock shadow, which gives the impression that he’s kind of a slobby schlub who is so focused on computers and drill-related torture that he doesn’t have time for personal hygiene. Fine. Great. Wonderful. Except for the thing where his hair game has been incredibly tight and shaped-up ever since Olivia pulled him off the subways. I mean, look at that picture. It looks like my man just got out of the barber’s chair. And how is his stubble always the same length? Something doesn’t add up here.

My point is that I now believe Huck meticulously maintains that weird neckbeard with a trimmer and plays it off like it’s natural, kind of like the “Oh, this old thing? It’s just been sitting in my closet for years” of facial hair. This has somehow leapfrogged the thing where he’s a deranged serial killer on the list of most disturbing things about him. I hope next season starts with him unpacking like $500 worth of secret grooming supplies as he moves back in with his family.


As someone who firmly believes that American cinema peaked the moment Nicolas Cage, in character as criminal mastermind Castor Troy, said the line “I’d like to take his face … off” in the movie Face/Off, I’d like to give everyone at Scandal a heartfelt shoutout for having Olivia Pope say “It’s me. I’m the scandal” in her big, season-ending monologue. Perfect. Just perfect.

Next season on Scandal: Who knows! Maybe someone will get a dog!

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