November is finally upon us, which means that it’s time for the most important event of the year for so-called real men – MOVEMBER. For the uninitiated, Movember is an annual recognition of serious men’s health issues like prostate and testicular cancer, and men everywhere attempt to grow their best mustaches to take part. By challenging men to grow mustaches, charitable and health organizations around the world continue to hope that it will convince men of all ages that there’s never a wrong time to have themselves examined for the variety of problems that they can face, in order to continue living the best and healthiest lives that they can. Also, they get to rock some really sweet ‘staches.
But what better way to really raise the bar for raising awareness than by talking to one of the manliest men who has ever put on a form-fitting black turtleneck and kicked ass in the name of good – Sterling Archer. The world’s greatest gentleman spy has decided to join the Movember movement by growing his own mustache this month and documenting every step of the way, and he’s giving us inside access to the whole process.
That begins with this exclusive interview with Sterling himself to let us know the most important aspects of not only mustache growth, but also the history of the most distinguished and desirable styles of facial hair.
Which type of mustaches are the best and worst?
The best kinds of mustaches fall into a category I call the Working Mustache. Much like a hearty breed of dog, these mustaches are designed specifically to perform a task. I’m talking about your handlebars, your chevrons, and even your pencil thins. The saddest, and therefore worst kind of mustache, is one that serves no true purpose.
What kind of mustache does a man like Sterling Archer strive to achieve? Given your history of appreciating the fine arts, this might be a silly question, but is there a specific celebrity’s mustache that you’re aiming for?
Burt Reynolds from Deliverance. Yeah, he didn’t actually have a mustache in that movie, but you can still feel his mustache. That’s the kind of mustache I want.
Rank the Top 3 mustaches on famous men throughout history.
Lee Van Cleef from any spaghetti western and also that TV show where he played a ninja
How long will it take you to grow your ideal mustache?
My ideal mustache is grown over the course of a few weeks while I’ve been stranded in the mountains after a tragic plane crash. I have only the lid from a tin can for trimming it, and the hairs are naturally groomed by the harsh mountain winds. I also befriend a bear but not after a tense first encounter.
How long should it take the average man to grow a mustache, and what’s the proper length before it is considered an actual mustache?
Woodhouse needs to shave me twice a day so I have no concept of how quickly it should take an average man to grow a mustache. I’m just gonna throw a number out there… four?
Should Movember be limited to one month, or should it be something that is celebrated year round?
Celebrating Movemeber year round would put such a damper on those surprised greetings we all get in early November of: “Oh, you look… nice.” You know, before everyone remembers what’s going on.
How can men who can’t grow mustaches celebrate Movember?
Make a mustache out of a hundred dollar bill and then donate said mustache money to Movember. Or, purchase my exclusive Movember t-shirt and plaster a real mustache across your chest. All profits will be donated to the Movember Foundation.
What’s the best way to make fun of someone who cannot grow a mustache?
Hasn’t nature already made fun of them enough?
What is the best nickname for a mustache?
The Welcome Mat.
Which is the best liquor to drink when you have a thick mustache?
Hot cocoa, dark crème de cacao, a hint of crème de menthe, and peppermint schnapps. I call it a Peppermint Patty.
You’ve been attacked by the world’s greatest bad guys, both human and robotic, you’ve survived poisons and crocodile attacks, and you have also, of course, managed to escape the wrath of so many women. Above all else, what’s the number one thing that threatens Sterling Archer’s health?
Movember is about raising awareness for men’s health issues like prostate cancer, testicular cancer, and mental health. I should probably say one of those but really it’s brain aneurysms. They’re my third-biggest fear.