For this week’s list, we sent Josh Kurp into the darkest realms of the Internet: fan fiction forums. But since the grotesque sexual perversions of geeks are well documented elsewhere, we gave him two restraints: 1. No slash fiction, and 2. No sci-fi or genre shows, because NERDS. As you’ll see, that still left plenty of terrifying room for child abuse, lynching, and haikus. -Ed.
After reading through seemingly hundreds of fan fiction stories based on television shows, most of which can be found here, I have to say: the human race is doomed. If the “mature” page for, say, “Six Feet Under” is any indication, we so-called civilized creatures are HUGE fans of murder and incest, sometimes in the same story. Below are excerpts from ten of the most disturbing fan fiction stories I found — non-sic’d, because I don’t have all day here.
#10. “Dharma’s Haikus” based on “Dharma & Greg”
The pregnancy test,
Easiest of all, just pee
Oh look! Positive!
#9. “Before We All Burn” based on “30 Rock”
[Jack Donaghy]’s 50 years old and suddenly feeling like a teenager, being ruled by his hormones. Suddenly she’s not just Liz Lemon to him, the geeky, nerdy writer. Suddenly she’s Liz Lemon, sexy, hot and enchanting. Of course, she hasn’t suddenly changed, she still wandered around with food stained clothes, but now, instead of finding it disgusting, he finds it intriguing.
#8. “Behind the Bars” based on “The Munsters”
At theat moment, their cell door opened and a guard stepped in, announcing crisply, “Ladies, you got yourselves a new cellmate.” Then turning to the hallway outside, she added, “Step right in here, here’s your new home for the next 40 years.”
To the horror of [Lily and Marilyn Munster], in stepped a 250 pound black haired woman, covered in the most ugliest tattoos, with the most stinkiest breath; she turned to the Munster women and said in a rough voice, “OK, ladies, there’s going to be some changes here whatever you like it or not, so just enjoy it…” From there, she cracked her knuckles and bunched her fists just as Lily said to Marilyn, “And you said it can’t get worse.”
#7. “Alf and Urkel visit Planet Ork 1111” based on “ALF,” “Family Matters,” and “Mork & Mindy”
One dday Urkel was walking down the street. He went into the bakery that he worked at. As he was walking in, the bell on the dor rang and Urkel shouted “DID I DO THAT?” and everyone in the bakery laughed. One of the people in the bakery was Alf. Alf went upp to Urkle and said “hey Urkel your a funny guy” Urkel said “thanks” and then Alf said “hey I am going to be going back to my home planet now do you want to come with me?” and Urkel said ok.
#6. “The Love of a Cousin Goes a Long, Long Way” based on “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”
He looked at Carlton’s body. Sweat dripped down his cold cheeks, and his eyelids twitched every minute. Other than that, he did not move an inch. The veins in his arms and neck were purple, protruding slightly. As Will touched his cousin’s hand, he felt something similar to cold stone. The eerie beeping sound from his monitor imposed upon Will the seriousness of what he had done. Indirectly, he had led his own cousin to an early death because he took the Speed that he thought was vitamin E.
#5. “Five Ways Gob Helped His Brother Michael” based on “Arrested Development”
Hesitantly, Michael opened his mouth to his brother’s, and Gob took the chance to slip his tongue inside. He ran his fingers gently across Michael’s neck, onto his shoulder and further against his chest, until Michael lightly thrust his hips forward and all movement was momentarily lost on Gob. The older man tried his hardest not to allow any sounds to radiate from his mouth, but when Michael groaned against his lips and into the back of his throat, a quiet sigh escaped. They let themselves soak in each other’s feel for a little bit longer until the motion of their hips became more violent than gentle and they both remembered that they were in a public place.
[Ed. Note: Uh, I think that might be slash fiction. Sorry.]
#4. “I Love You to the Bones” based on “Malcolm in the Middle”
“Mom, stop it,” Reese’s voice cracked.
Lois cried out and started whipping him hard. Reese screamed in pain as the black leather belt cut into his skin and left a scorching feeling. He fell to the floor and Lois continued lashing at him. Dewey was screeching and pounding on the door, but Lois kept hitting him and hitting him. After a good ten minutes, she finally stopped. She stood back, breathing hard. “I hope that will teach you,” she said sadly, and left.
Reese laid there, beaten with cuts and bruises all over his exposed arms and legs. Little pools of blood were splattered around him. He wept as he slowly sat up, pain searing through his body. He crawled into the corner of the room, and wrapped his crimson-stained arms around his bloody knobby knees. Leaning his head on them, his back moved up and down as he sobbed uncontrollably.
“You’re still thin, you’re still beauty…” Ana comforted him.
#3. “Tell No Tails” based on “Wishbone”
Wishbone’s rump sported a wagging tail as it stuck up from the hole in Wanda’s garden. He was digging up her flowerbeds, ostensibly to solve some mystery about some photo, but also just to be an annoyance.
“Wishbone! Bad dog!” Wanda threw a spade at Wishbone as his adorable head quirked up to look at her. The spade hit him and he died instantly.
“Fu*k! What the fu*k are you doing, Wanda?” Joe picked up the tiny lifeless body of his beloved companion.
“What’s going on? Wanda,” Joe’s mom said calmly, arriving to see what the ruckus was about, “Is Wishbone causing you any problems?”
“Joe, I’m so sorry,” Wanda said placatingly, “I saw him digging there, and I just reacted.”
#2. “Broken Glass” based on “Happy Days”
Potsie quickly got a can of beer from the fridge, walked over to the kitchen pantry, took something out of the empty coffee can, and walked back into the living room.
“Sorry I took so long dad. Here’s your beer.” Potsie said as he handed his dad the beer and just stood there.
“Why the hell are you still here? Don’t you have some place else you should be?” Andrew rudely asked.
Potsie reached into his back pocket, pulled out a gun and aimed right at his father.
“What the hell do you think you’re gonna do with that? Shoot me? Yeah right, you’re too scared to pull the damn trigger.”
“Dad, I just want you to know that you’re never going to hit me anymore.” Potsie said as he pulled the trigger and shot Andrew right between the eyes.
#1. “Anacondas of the Night” based on “Kenan & Kel”
The night was quiet. No crickets, no cars, just wind rustling the leaves. Then, soft voices. Bushes shaking. “K—Kenan…? I hear something…” But Kenan ignored it all. Apathy kept him sane. “Kenan, man, I’m really worried…” Two figures lunged out of the bushes and pinned Kenan and Kel to the concrete.
“Well, well, well, fellas,” a third figure emerged, standing over them, dragging on a cigarette. “Looks like we caught ourselves a coupla’ coons. Mighty big ones, too.” Kenan knew these men. They went to school together, Aryan brotherhood types. They kept to their own back in school, never started trouble. He saw his captor’s face. His name was Skip. The guy on Kel was Chad, and their apparent leader was Bucky. “What should we do with them?” asked Chad. Bucky blew smoke in Kenan’s face. “We show ’em a good time.” Skip and Chad chortled like baboons.
Fan fiction, folks!