Ten TV Relationships That Should Never Happen. Ever.

02.08.12 7 years ago 65 Comments

In an interview with E! earlier this week, “Parks and Recreation” executive producer Michael Schur confirmed what everyone who saw last’s week “Operation Ann” episode already assumed: “It’s real. Tom and Ann are dating and will have a relationship for some amount of time.”

So, it’s definitely happening, but is it a good thing? I’m onboard with Tann? Aom? PerkFord? because, as Schur said, “We have a lot of soul-matey relationships…and we just wanted to do a comedy relationship.” Yay comedy, boo love. It also gives both of them something to do (which has occasionally been a problem, especially with Ann) in the post-Entertainment 720/dating Chris Traeger-era of the show.

But just because seemingly every “Parks” character has hooked up with every other “Parks” character at some point (I can’t wait for the inevitable Ron/Donna fling to happen), that doesn’t mean every show should just start pairing characters all willy-nilly like. Here are 10 romantic relationships on other shows that should never by no means ever happen. Happy Valentine’s Day, no one!

From the mouth of a babe: Tina Fey has said time and time again that Liz and Jack will never hook up, even if he bought her all the off-brand Mexican cheese puffs her heart desires. Good. They have a great relationship as is, and if they ever did get together, it would be a disgrace to six seasons worth of near-perfect characterization. Put Frank and Jenna together (again) – they both kind of suck, might as well suck together.

During “Pool Party,” while Jim’s taking a Robert California-guided tour of his house, Cathy needs a Chicken Fight partner and she desperately wonders where Jim is. She’s Pam’s pregnancy replacement in the office, and although Jim and Pam aren’t nearly as charming as they once were (or as they think they still are), it would still be a disgrace for her to become Pam’s replacement…in Jim’s heart. (/blow heads off). Why are the writers even hinting at a fling between Cathy, who’s barely a character, and Jim? Sometimes I think the “The Office” has forgotten how to tell an effective story.

“Happy Endings” has recently hinted at a Dave and Alex reunion, but I like them better as friends. Without benefits. There’s no reason to disrupt the chemistry the cast has as is. Even though Alex is my favorite character on the show, I wouldn’t want another couple to compete with Brad and Jane. They rule.

If the last two seasons of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” have taught us anything, it’s that Larry David works better alone. Or at least without a wife/serious girlfriend. Seasons seven and eight have been the show’s best, partially because the show had run out of Cheryl/Loretta getting agitated at Larry stories. No disrespect is intended towards Cheryl Hines (who’s great on “Suburgatory”) and Vivica A. Fox; it’s just that the show found new momentum by having Larry date an array of women (and trying to woo Cheryl back, only to not want her when he does). Plus, he’s never gonna love someone as much as he does Jeff.

Because it’s more in-character and painfully funny (painful and funny?) to think he’s waiting for her after “New Jersey/Airport” and for them to not get together, than it is for him to wait her and for them to finally hook up. We don’t want to be robbed of moments as hilariously cringe-worthy as when he fu*ks up taking a bath with her. That would rob “Louie” of being “Louie.”

Or, I don’t want them getting back together. Producers have dropped few hints about what’s to come for season two of “Homeland,” but they have said, “Brody and Carrie have only just begun, and there’s an enormous amount unresolved.” I hope that doesn’t mean they’re going to sleep together again, because that would be disastrous from a show that didn’t have a single big misstep in its first season. Restrain yourself, “Homeland.”

I know it’s going to happen because the show has building toward Jess and Nick hooking up practically since episode one, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right decision. “New Girl” has recently found its footing and has settled into a nice comedic groove, and it’s far too easy for the Will They, Won’t They angle to screw up everything. Also, I might be jealous of Nick. Maybe.


Rachel and Tim are awesome, but “Justified” already has an abundance of awesome. Rachel and Tim ever getting together would detract from all the other awesomeness.

To recap: Rachel and Tim, awesome; Rachel <3 Tim, not awesome.

Oh wait, this is couples we wouldn’t want to see together. But imagine if “2 Broke Girls” actually got rid of the subtext and Max and Caroline just decided that sure, they’re gay, why not? The ratings would skyrocket — and perverted chef Oleg would have a heart attack…Maybe this isn’t such a bad idea.

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