Over on Vulture, I caught a peek at a clip from Pete Holmes’ Comedy Central stand-up special, and in it, he admits that — though he is straight — he is completely gay for Ryan Gosling. “You don’t have to be gay to know that he’s a gorgeous, sexy beast, and he’s everything we want to be.” He continued, “I don’t want to f**k him … I want to be Ryan Gosling.
That is typically how a straight man’s man crush works: It’s not that we want to bang other men (unless you’re Louis C.K. and you run into Ewan McGregor on the street), it’s that there’s something about them that we want to be. A man crush is not necessarily sexual, except in the sense that being that person, in theory, would allow us to be like — as Robert Downey, Jr. referred to Anthony Michael Hall back as back in his John Hughes days — a “pu**y wizard.”
Therefore, it is important when we select our man crushes that we pick a man crush that women can respect, that we choose a man crush that reflects well on us. Here are television’s five best man crushes.
5. H. Jon Benjamin — Is it acceptable to have a man crush on a voice? Because H. Jon Benjamin is not exactly the best looking guy around, but that voice — which you can hear on Bob’s Burgers, Archer, or — as I recently found out — Word Girl — can make your knees tremble. He is the perfect blend of wry machismo: James Bond with a goddamn sense of humor. Plus, he has the perfect diet.
4. Nick Offerman — He works with wood; he fishes; he’s got facial hair you can respect ; he has very little interest in small talk; and he has the nicest smile on TV. Plus, I bet he’s got a bearskin rug you can cuddle on while you’re enjoying various forms of meat on a stick while watching reruns of The Unit.
3. Anthony Bourdain — Combine his surliness, his massive appetite, his love of spirits, and his world travel, and Anthony Bourdain is not just a guy you have a man crush on, he’s the guy you want to partner with on The Amazing Race. He’s the guy that will kick the little kid out of your way if you get to weak to do it.
2. Jon Hamm — It’s not just the Don Draper thing — Scotch drinking, cigarette smoking, lady-banging coolness — it’s that, in real life, Hamm is insanely affable. The man could sleep with any woman on the planet, but he’s too busy playing fantasy football. Plus, we’ve already seen his dick, so we’re already halfway there.
1. Timothy Olyphant — Look at the guy! He wears a cowboy hat, speaks with a molasses Southern accent, and his eyes twinkle when he shoots people. Plus, he has better chemistry with Walton Goggins than with any woman. He is the ultimate man crash.