‘The Simpsons’ Comic Book Guy’s 15-Step Guide To Being The Worst. Nerd. Ever.

Now that San Diego Comic-Con has come and gone for another year, it’s time for us to look back and say: the hell was that? Comic-Con isn’t without its charms — the TV and movie panels can occasionally be illuminating and funny, the costumes are a pleasant distraction, and there’s, y’know, all those actual, honest-to-Jebus comics — but it’s also maddening and smothering and comically over the top, without any sense of irony. And then there’s the comic book guys. Here’s an example, as detailed by Todd VanDerWerff for Grantland.

When the [“Women Who Kick Ass”] finally ends and the five women on it proceed off to the side for photographs, something done at the end of most Hall H panels, someone shouts something from the audience, to a mixture of supportive laughs and horrified gasps, and the women quickly leave the stage. (I was not sitting close enough to hear what was said, but I confirmed with several people sitting in the immediate vicinity that it was a young man shouting “Women who talk too much!” after the loudspeaker asked attendees to voice their appreciation for the participants in the “Women Who Kick Ass” panel.)

People like that give the essentially pointless term “nerds” a bad name, as do those who ask ridiculously dumb questions about Han Solo to Harrison Ford, who clearly doesn’t give two sh*ts about Han Solo. In honor of Comic-Con’s conclusion, we present to you: the Comic Book Guy’s guide to being the worst. nerd. ever.

1. Refuse to change for the better.

2. 50 tacos while eating Doctor Who I understand, but 100? That’s horrible.

3. Make underpaid fast food restaurant employees wheelbarrow you to the hospital.

4. Plaster your car with both Star Trek and Star Wars bumper stickers. THERE IS ONLY ONE.

5. Tease others with your certainly well-reasoned, definitely thought-out theories.

6. Wear joke t-shirts, nerdy joke t-shirts, nerdy joke t-shirts with programming puns.

7. Learn Klingon, even though Dothraki is there to be memorized.

8. Be a fat and sarcastic, and the Star Trek fandom will arise naturally.

9. Read the complete Hi and Lois, if only so you can reference it during putdowns.

10. Yell at actors about the bloopers and goofs in movies they made decades prior.

11. Download pictures of Captain Janeway from the Internet. Come on, man, it’s all about Sisko.

12. Go out at night…to….stalk….Lenny and Carl, I mean, female nerd icons. Or anyone, really.

13. See: #12.

14. Just generally be a creep (and make it obvious you’re doing so).

15. Worst. Person. Ever.