Throughout this seventh and final season of Parks and Recreation, which unfortunately wraps up tonight, Michael Schur and the rest of the writers, some of whom we spoke to in our oral history, have been having fun guessing what life’s going to be like in 2017. It’s kind of like Back to the Future Part II, but instead of hoverboards, phones turn into skateboards. The Chicago Cubs also make it to the World Series in both scenarios. How many of their predictions will come true? Twenty-two months will only tell, but I’ve got a good feeling about Hitch 2: Son of a Hitch, starring Jaden Smith. Here’s the complete collection of Parks predictions for 2017.
1. HOLOGRAM PHONES.
2. The new “funny” Jason Bourne reboot stars Kevin James.
3. Shia LaBeouf is a wedding dress designer.
4. Tablets want our human skin.
5. Facebook has been replaced by Gryzzlbook.
6. The Cubs won the World Series!
7. Good news, they made a sequel to Hitch, the Jaden Smith-starring Hitch 2: Son of a Hitch.
8. THERE ARE ONLY 595 MILLION INDIANA BROWN ANTS LEFT.
9. Elton John bought and now owns Chick-fil-A.
10. There’s a Pulitzer Prize for Best Top-10 Listicle (Bloosh won two years in a row).
11. Beefmilk is the hottest milk since Harvey.
12. The new Biggie vs. 2Pac is Morgan Freeman vs. Shailene Woodley.
13. Indiana-native Jermaine Jackson is dead?
14. “Game of Thrones is on tonight. It’s the series finale. Khaleesi is marrying Jack Sparrow. Man, that show has really gone off the rails.” “It makes sense if you’ve read the books!”
15. Gryzzl’s SkyPal will deliver goods to your home by drone, even if you don’t want them to.
16. Joe Biden’s Biden the Rails becomes an international bestseller, probably.
17. Phones are skateboards, too.
18. Nicki Minaj threw major shade at Jesse Eisenberg at the BAFTA Awards.
19. “I’m about to give her a surprise bigger than when LeBron went back to Miami.”
20. Bruce Willis and Christina Aguilera share a house.
21. Tom’s dream of Lasik for fingernails came true.
22. L.A.’s hottest restaurant sells sushi where all the fish were previously owned by celebrities, including Charlize Theron’s yellowtail, Paul Reiser’s salmon, Peter Bogdanovich’s saltwater eel, and Josh Groban’s softshell crab.
23. Bill Belichick continues to be a grumbly SOB.
24. Senators Booker and Hatch formed a Polynesian folk music band.
25. There are only eight companies left in America.
