How To Tell If Your Parents Gave You All The Wrong Advice About Sex

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The Detour on TBS
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There isn’t a fun way to get the sex talk. Best-case scenario is that you have a great sex-ed program at your school or your parents buy you a comprehensive book and you actually read it all.

The reality is that the sex talk with your parents is uncomfortable. Chances are they aren’t experts. Sure, they’ve had sex at least once that you know of, but that doesn’t mean they understand the entire reproductive system or the right way to have a semi-clinical conversation about something Americans think is so taboo. Sadly, this is a big cause for a lot of less-than-stellar sex talks and the results of bad parental advice can be the worst. Unsure if you got bad advice? Here’s a guide that will help you determine if your parents broke your brain.

You Think Babies Are Literally Delivered

There is no way around the maternal gore-fest of birth; you have to explain it somehow. Avoiding that explanation entirely, on the other hand, is a poor parental choice. Obviously, you know that labor and delivery are done without the assistance of storks, cabbage patches, and Amazon Prime, but you may not know much more than that. In 2014, the National Science Foundation asked Americans whether the father or the mother’s genes determined the sex of the baby and only 63 percent of people got it right. It’s the father, by the way. You knew that, right?

You Injure Yourself Every Time You Try To Have Sex

Most people get the basic breakdown. But parents who leave the sex talk at that may leave their kids prey to having the moves explained to them by friends or worse, porn. Of course, having foreplay instructions given by dear-old dad is likely to cause the sort of shame that could finance a therapist’s beach house, but learning to talk openly about sex is a good thing. And it’s better than thinking sex should mimic a jackhammer in motion. If you don’t think so, keep in mind the sort of injuries that relatively inexperienced participants limp away with. Reddit user He_Who_Knows_Little will certainly never forget his first time:

The very first time I had sex I tore my frenulum preputii, the damn thing wouldn’t clot so they had to cauterize it and then 6 months later they cut what remained of it in half so it didn’t tear again…

Not the best way to lose one’s virginity.

Edit: For those who aren’t doctors, flap of skin that connects to bottom of dick head tore, had to burn it with fire.

With. Fire.

You Use Weird Names To Describe Sex Organs

If your parents can’t say “vagina” or “penis,” then you are screwed because those words matter quite a bit. People whose parents are awkwardly conservative about sexuality can raise children who rely on babytalk to discuss sex and mixing babytalk and dirty talk is 17 different kinds of wrong. There is no sexting protocol that makes “I want to put my ting ting in your yoohoo” okay. Yes, yes, the p-word and the v-word may be too clinical for some people’s notion of smut talk, but you won’t make much headway at the doctor without them. Good luck getting tested for STDs when all you can tell the doctor is that you have an ouchie on your whizbangle.

You Didn’t Learn As Much About The Female Anatomy As You Did The Male One

Of course, men have the more obvious sex organs, what with them being external and all. Plus, we have a society that thinks men are the sexual ones. It’s no wonder that boys get all of the masturbation talks and that sex talk that often revolves around their junk. Women’s bodies need attention, too. Only 25 percent to 30 percent of women orgasm from intercourse alone; there has to be more on the menu. And I think we all know what is missing: It rhymes with mitoris. If your sex talk didn’t explain how important this part of the female anatomy is, your early sexual experiences left a lot of people disappointed, yourself included.

You Think Reading Cosmo Is What Women Actually Want

That treasure trove of bizarre sex tips that come from Cosmo and other magazines and sites has no place in a sex talk. Literally, most of their tips seem like they were formed via Mad Libs or sexy dice rolls. Why would doughnuts be a good thing to bring into your sex life? Good luck getting all that glaze off. And, don’t sprinkle pepper on people. No one marches into a sexual situation hoping to get off by sneezing.

You Think The Pill Is All The Contraception Needed

There is a type of man, a sadly common dude, who asks if a woman is taking the pill as the first part of a maneuver to get out of wearing a condom. The second part involves a lot of whining. “I can’t feel anything.” Then, let’s not bother with sex because you are going to wear one. “It’s too tight.” You wish. “My other partners don’t make me.” You are most definitely wearing it now, then.

Sex talks should include a lot of contraception information, but they often don’t and that’s not just sad, it’s dangerous. One in six Americans has herpes and many people don’t know it. Do you want to wear a condom now?

You Walk Away Knowing More About Their Sex Life Than What To Do With Yours

Parents often draw from a very specific pool of sex know-how — their own sex life — and the conversation can quickly turn from general intercourse to their specific thoughts about sex. You probably don’t need to know just how mommy likes it. Just watch these poor parents from The Detour try to keep their sex life out of it… and fail miserably.


Catch ‘The Detour’ tonight at 9/8c on TBS.

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