The Latest DirecTV Marionette Commercial Is The Creepiest One Yet

We all had our fun with DirecTV’s first commercial in its campaign about the man with the marionette family. “Hahaha but how does he have sex with his marionette wife?” we asked ourselves and anyone within earshot, because we are all juvenile and clever and willing to dig below the surface to get to the real issues at hand. Yes, it all was a little creepy and weird once we brought their man/puppet sex life into it, but that creepiness was on us, for the most part, because DirecTV was just making a fun little ad about wires and spilled lemonade, and we were the ones reading things into it and taking it “there,” so to speak.

Or rather, it was all on us, until DirecTV released the third commercial in the campaign, which is embedded above and takes us into the couple’s bedroom, where the man’s marionette wife attempts to do a sexy dance for him to spice up their love life. Make no mistake: This is a commercial about a man preparing to f*ck a marionette. That’s what is happening here. All of those fun, silly questions we had a few weeks ago now demand real, serious answers. Medical answers. No thank you.

And it’s not just the thing about the unsettling coitus about to take place, either. (Although it is definitely that.) It’s also that it’s depressing as all hell. This is the second straight commercial where a marionette member of this family has come to this guy with concerns that he considers them to be hideous monsters, because this bozo — who is married to a marionette and has a marionette son — has been running around telling everyone he can corral for 10-15 consecutive seconds how happy he is to be rid of the “ugly” cable wires all over his house. Hey, ding dong, SHUT UP. You’re tearing your family apart over six inches of cable that no one even notices because it’s stuffed behind a dresser or something. Jesus. This is all just a sad, disturbing mess now. Shut it down.