TV

The Most WTF Moments From Last Night’s ‘American Horror Story: Freak Show’

Before I get started here, I would just like to mention how I pretty much nailed it with my American Horror Story death predictions post yesterday. Either I’m just really good at American Horror Story, or Freak Show is just that predictable. (I won’t answer that.)

Anyway, jumping in. I guess last night’s episode, “Tupperware Party,” showed some improvement from previous weeks, as it told a cohesive story which set a series of events in motion that might not actually be abruptly wrapped up to focus on some new thing we don’t care about. Although I should probably mention the introduction of Theo Huxtable’s character, who was introduced as Desiree’s new “beau” for all of the five seconds he was on last night’s episode before never being mentioned again. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what’s up with that, but kudos to Murphy and crew for keeping the stunt casting a surprise.

“Tupperware Party” started out with a cold open that set the stage both for what happened in last night’s episode and ostensibly for what’s to come. In the opening scene, Dandy is getting a fake reading from Maggie, who accidentally tells him exactly what he needs to hear, saying that his “indiscretion will soon be forgotten” and that “there will be rain but soon it will pass,” and he’ll be “breaking hearts just like before.” Whups. Dandy thanks Maggie for the reading, telling her that it would be a shame to waste the powers inside of her — which obviously means that Dandy now has a boner for Maggie’s blood and is planning to bathe all up in it.

On his way out he encounters Drunk Jimmy, who hears him whistling and somehow identifies him as the second clown. But because he’s drunk, no one believes him. And after everyone else walks off, Dandy tells him that he’s going to destroy him and everything he loves. Well, he made good on one of those promises last night, and I’m guessing the second won’t be far off.

Dandy Made His Own Bette And Dot, So There!

Pour one out for the unsuspecting Avon Lady, whose eyes nearly popped out with dollar signs as she entered the Mott Estate, before she was quickly dispatched with a blow to the back of the head. Sorry Avon Lady. I have to admit, Dandy is becoming more of an enjoyable psychopath.  Also, I nearly spit out my wine at this line: “Mother, you can be Dot . . . Avon Lady Who’s Name I Don’t Know, you get to play the part of Bette!”

Jimmy Hits Rock Bottom

Dude, gross. Jimmy, who is now a full blown alcoholic after one night of heavy drinking, because that’s how that works (Joss Whedon ain’t got nothing on Ryan Murphy), is Making Some Mistakes. Some people are angry drunks, some people are sentimental drunks . . . Some people are drunks that want to f*ck 800 lb. women. Sorry, to get PC for just a moment here, I don’t want to fat shame anybody and Chrissy Metz, the actress who plays Ima Wiggles is obviously a professional actor who happens to be obese. But SERIOUSLY, this is what Jimmy says, as he feeds Ima spoonfuls of pudding: “If you want it long and hard I need it soft and wide.”

Dude, again, gross.

This Tupperware Party Seemed Like Less Fun Than The Last One

After Jimmy gets thrown out of the Tupperware Party for being a drunk dickhead and failing to perform, Dandy shows up about that whole “destroying Jimmy” thing. And he’s off to a good start so far! After somehow managing to murder an entire party of women (Seriously, how did not a single one escape? There were like five of them!) he successfully pins the murder on Jimmy. At this point I’ll take what I can get, but Dandy is turning into more of a formidable villain than I gave him credit for.

Del Almost Does The Deed

Aside from the characters that actually died, I put Del at a 75% chance of kicking the bucket. Or chair, as it turned out. Encountering Stanley and his ginormous freak wiener was apparently enough to push Del over the edge. He realized he’s never going to get the gay out of him and he might as well just end it. Which is pretty sad, actually. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending how you want to look at it, the rope breaks before he chokes to death and Desiree comes to his aide.

Also, does anyone else think Stanley’s monster dong is going to be what ends up in one of those glass jars? CALLING IT NOW.

RIP Gabourey Sidibe’s Character

When Regina escaped, there was a brief moment when I thought she might not die. LOL! Jupiter Police continued to be the absolute worst at their jobs, sending just one cop to a murder investigation accompanied by the accuser. That definitely did not go the way I thought it would, as Officer Compulsive Dumb Dumb considered a murderous psychopath’s one million dollar bribe for all of a quarter of a second before plugging a bullet into the accuser’s head. Sorry, Academy Award nominated Best Actress Gabourey Sidibe.

The Creepy Insect Threesome That Almost Didn’t Not Happen

I don’t feel like discussing the whole thing with Stanley and Elsa making up that ruse with the doctor to murder Bette and Dot, so I’m just skipping past. When finally being presented with (what she thought was) the option to get the surgery to separate her and her sister, Dot had a change of heart and decided that she didn’t want surgery after all. After Stanley coached a prostitute into being a doctor and everything! What an ingrate.

So the twins decide to work things out so Dot can finally be with Jimmy, and Bette will just go to her happy place or whatever during the actual sex-having. But as it turns out, a two-headed woman is the one thing Jimmy won’t put his dick into during his newfound alcoholism, so it was all for nothing. What’s left to happen with the twins now, other than be the roadrunner to Stanley’s Wile E. Coyote?

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