TV

TV Gourmet: How to Make Milk Steak and Four Other Pop Culture Meals

When I first saw the “Simpsons” episode “Homer the Heretic” (9F01),  I wasn’t interested in skipping church, like Homer does in protest of waking up early on Sundays; instead, I wanted to make his Space Age Out of This World Moon Waffles (also, I’m Jewish, so yeah). So one day, my girlfriend, Nadia, who took all the pictures for this post, and I decided to make them, along with meals from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” “30 Rock,” and “How I Met Your Mother.”

(We tried making a Flaming HOMER, but forgot to remember that some alcohols won’t catch on fire, which is to say our concoction of liquor, amaretto, rum, and children’s cough syrup didn’t work. Next time, though.)

On the following pages, I explain how to make TV’s most unholy food creations, AKA: How to Get Really Fat Really Quick.

Grilled Charlie

As seen on: “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”

What you’ll need: bread, cheese, chocolate syrup, peanut butter

1. Pre-heat stove to medium, then add frying pan coated in butter

2. Slather one side of a slice of bread with butter, and place it butter-side down on the pan

3. Add cheese slice (or 64—a future recipe idea!) to the bread and let it melt

4. Flip over (cheese down), adding more butter to both the pan and bread, and flip back again (cheese up)

5. Take bread off the pan

6. Repeat steps 2-5, but in place of cheese, use chocolate syrup

7. Combine the two slices of bread with the cheese on the outside and chocolate on the inside

8. Coat bread with peanut butter on the outside of the chocolate slice

Verdict: this was my favorite thing to eat of the meals we made, probably because it’s so unhealthy. It tasted like the world’s greatest Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. The chocolate and peanut butter went together well, obviously, but the cheese was a surprisingly nice addition, too. It made the sandwich that much more chewy, while the butter made everything moist, in a good way. The thing was dripping with calories when I bit into it, and if I wasn’t worried about dropping dead, I could eat a Grilled Charlie on a daily basis.

Homer’s Patented Space Age Out of This World Moon Waffles

As seen on: “The Simpsons”

What you’ll need: caramel, waffle, butter, and liquid smoke

(We changed things up a little, mostly because my grocery didn’t have caramel cubes, only syrup, and I don’t have a waffle iron)

1. Mix half bottle of liquid smoke with two cups of caramel syrup on a plate

2. Drop slightly toasted, formerly-frozen waffle on plate

3. Let both sides of the waffles absorb liquid caramel (mmm….liquid caramel)

4. Wrap waffle around stick of butter, using a toothpick to hold the two together

5. Eat it like you’re giving a…well, look below:

Verdict: I don’t really like butter in the first place, so to eat an entire stick of butter…let’s just say I had a bite, and that was it. It’s oddly tough to chew butter, and because it takes so long to swallow, the flavor stays in your mouth for hours (I already made the blowjob joke, guys).  You really do want to puke after only a few nibbles. The waffle soaked in liquid smoke and sticky caramel was tasty, though, and probably would have been better if the waffle wasn’t generic and recently un-thawed.

Milk Steak

As seen on: “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”

What you’ll need: steak, milk, honey, and jellybeans

1. Pre-heat stove to medium

2. Mix together one cup of milk and half cup of honey in a bowl, and pour into a frying pan on stove.

3. Before the milk begins to bubble, add steak slab (steak comes in slabs, right?)

4. When milk begins bubbling and looks, in Charlie’s word “hard,” flip steak over

5. Repeat until steak’s cooked, adding more honey if you please

6. Place raw jellybeans on the milk- and honey-coated steak

7. Add extra jellybeans

8. Get it to go

Verdict: We slightly undercooked the steak, so while that could have been better (which is to say, should have been grilled), the milk and honey didn’t really add anything other than a Biblical connotation. After making the meal, I’m pretty sure milk steak was created on “Sunny” just because it’s fun to say “milk steak” — ditto with the word “jellybeans.” One piece of advice: don’t use store-brand jellybeans; they’re hard, too sugary, and generally taste awful.  Spend the extra buck or two for some Jelly Bellys. Those are the money jellybeans!

Cheesy Blasters

As Seen On: “30 Rock”

What You’ll Need: Pizza, jack cheese, and a hot dog

1. You take a hot dog

2. Stuff it with some jack cheese

3. Fold it in a pizza

4. You got Cheesy Blasters!

5. Say hello to Meat Cat

Verdict: So good. It’s really just a pizza topped with meat and extra cheese, and maybe even something they already serve at Pizza Hut. We didn’t cut the hot dog up before adding it to the pizza, which probably would have helped; when I started eating the thing, it was tough to bite apart the whole dog, and the cheese melted over the side and splashed onto the floor.  But wrapping something around something else always things more fun, a theory proven with the Cheesy Blaster.

Eriksen Family Seven-Layer Salad

As seen on: “How I Met Your Mother”

What you’ll need: gummy bears, Funyuns, potato chips, and mayonnaise

1. Line the bottom of a giant bowl with potato chips

2. Then add Funyuns (as many as you want)

3. Then mayonnaise

4. Then more chips

5. Then more Funyuns

6. Then more mayonnaise

7. And top with gummy bears

Verdict: doesn’t it look gorgeous? We made a smaller-scale version of the meal, so that we could taste everything in a single bite. The chewy gummy bears go together quite well with the salty chips and Funyuns, but the heavy mayo screws everything up, as mayo often does. It’s such a thick sauce that it overwhelms anything paired with it, which is fine when you’re eating tuna, but not when combined with chips and candy. The conclusion made after eating the salad: gummy bears should be on top of more meals. A gummy bear burger would be DELICIOUS.

(Stop saying gummy so much!)

Stay tuned for Volume 2 of the TV Gourmet. Josh is scheduled to make the Good Morning Burger (“Simpsons” episode 8F21) and several other disgusting recipes you would never want to try. We welcome suggestions in the comments.

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