If you have cable television, or if you’ve ever visited a doctor’s office or a gym, you’re no doubt familiar with the TV Guide Channel, the default channel for many cable providers. On it, there’s a cable television scroll that lists what’s on 300 channels so slowly that, by the time you reach the end of it, it’s moved on to the next half hour of listings and you have to watch the scroll again to find out what’s on in the next time slot. Basically, the listings grid is for people too lazy to channel flip or for insomniacs who use the glacially paced scroll to lull themselves to sleep.
As of today, in 75 percent of cable markets, it is no more. Instead, the TV Guide Channel is just another network that will provide the hours and hours of empty content it used to feature in its scroll. Instead of waiting 20 minutes to find out what’s on AMC, you can watch TV Guide’s original programming, like “Wilson Philips: Still Holding On,” a reality series about the female trio’s attempt to restart their career, or “Hollywood Mom’s Night,” which sounds like Jon Favreau’s old series, “Dinner for Five,” only instead of cool celebrities, it features soap opera stars, Ali Landry, and Denise Richards gossiping over dinner WITH ALL OF THEIR CLOTHES ON, otherwise known as my worst *$%*$% nightmare. And if that’s not useless enough for you, there’s also a reality show called “Nail Files,” which is set inside a nail salon, where we will catch a glimpse of D-list stars and close ups of their mangled toes. Barf.
To help make news of the existence of a Wilson Phillips reality show less painful, I give you this: A giant panda somersaulting in the snow. It is very cute. It is not, however, an invitation to rape the panda. DO NOT TOUCH.