Today in Charlie Sheen

03.01.11 8 years ago 23 Comments

Charlie Sheen is now giving interviews at a faster rate than I can watch and respond to them — Piers Morgan last night, the “Today Show” this morning, I think Access Hollywood this afternoon (update: also Howard Stern this morning) — so at this point I concede that I’ve been bested by Sheen’s tiger blood and rocket fuel saber, blown to bits by ordnance dropped during the strafing runs of his cure-all mind. Let’s go to the bullet points:

  • If you didn’t watch the cultural event that was Sheen’s 45-minute web interview with TMZ (“Sorry my life is so much more bitchin’ than yours”), you can catch the highlights here and here.
  • CHARLIE SHEEN SOUNDBOARDS EXIST. This one is a little more expansive, but I prefer this one for its WINNING button. I’ve clicked that button probably four dozen times since last night. WINNING. WINNING. WINNING.
  • Radio douche Alex Jones — who was the first stop on Sheen’s 30-city Vatican Assassin Tour 2011 — went on “the View” and stuck up for Sheen by yelling at those harpies for a while. I don’t have the patience to watch that, but there’s video of that here.
  • Chuck Lorre — who’s a notorious A-hole in his own right in Hollywood circles — responded with another vanity card after last night’s episode of “Mike & Molly,” and it’s the most pretentious thing I’ve read in ages. You can read the full text of it below, via MovieLine.


I understand that I’m under a lot of pressure to respond to certain statements made about me recently. The following are my uncensored thoughts. I hope this will put an end to any further speculation.

I believe that consciousness creates the illusion of individuation, the false feeling of being separate. In other words, I am aware, ergo I am alone. I further believe that this existential misunderstanding is the prime motivating force for the neurotic compulsion to blot out consciousness. This explains the paradox of our culture, which celebrates the ego while simultaneously promoting its evisceration with drugs and alcohol. It also clarifies our deep-seated fear of monolithic, one-minded systems like communism, religious fundamentalism, zombies and invaders from Mars. Each one is a dark echo of an oceanic state of unifying transcendence from which consciousness must, by nature, flee. The Fall from Grace is, in fact, a Sprint from Grace. Or perhaps more accurately, “Screw Grace, I am so outta here!”


Yup, that settles it: I’m officially on Team Charlie now.

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