How You Know It’s Too Soon To Say ‘I Love You’

There will come a moment in your next romantic relationship where you will pause and evaluate your situation. You are pretty close to becoming one of “those people” that you hated when you were single — walking around with heart eyes and acting like they’re in a movie with a Taylor Swift-dominant soundtrack. You aren’t quite sure how you let this happen, but you appear to have caught feelings. Sucker.

So, what do you do? Your first instinct might be to drop “the other L-word,” followed closely by deep set panic, but it might be best to ask yourself some hard questions before you throw yourself over that emotional ledge. While a timely “I love you” can take a relationship to the next level, dropping the L-bomb too soon or when you don’t really mean it can negatively impact the seemingly good thing you have going. Why blow up an almost good thing before it’s time?

If you’re lost in the fog of romantic impulses, here are a few things to consider.

How long have you been dating?

There is no hard and fast rule about how long you should date before dropping an “I love you,” but there should probably be a significant amount of time spent together before taking that next step. You don’t want to pull a Ted Mosby and jump the gun, which will probably freak out any sane person. Sure, some people know from the get-go, but it’s best to let things age a little bit. Haste is no man’s friend. Waiting until you’re really sure will keep you from looking like an overeager clinger while also fostering genuine trust with your partner. I get it. You’re jazzed. But act like you’ve been there.

Did you just have sex?

Sure, your body is coursing with hormones in the afterglow, so you may be feeling particularly amorous, but it’s probably not the right time. If they gave you the best orgasm of your life, you probably aren’t in the correct headspace to make these kinds of statements. The same goes for heavy drinking and getting high: If you are in any sort of altered state, it might be best to wait until the fog clears.

Do you see a real future?

We’re not talking about scribbling their name in the margins of your planner or daydreaming about what you would name your children. We mean real, concrete plans. They’re your plus one for a wedding six months away. They want to meet your parents. You don’t mind pulling the plug and getting those Beyoncé tickets way in advance because you’re pretty damn sure that they’ll still be around. If they’re becoming more of a fixture, go for it. If you can’t even commit to a dinner a few days in advance, you aren’t ready to progress beyond the booty-call phase yet.

Do you enjoy more than just their hot bod?

There is nothing wrong with just having someone around to relieve tension if you aren’t looking for a relationship. However, real love moves beyond being into what they’re laying down. If they make you laugh, ask about your day and actually want to know the answer, and sit through the movies you love but they hate, you might be on the right track. If they’re just arm candy, love might need to wait a bit.

Why complicate something fun with an “I love you” if you’re just down to clown? (And bang.)

Have you farted in front of them?

Yes, it’s gross, but everyone does it, and the sooner you admit that to your potentially significant other the better. By being willing to reveal yourself as *gasp* a human being shows you’re taking steps to move from occasional sex friends to a true blue relationship. If you’re still hiding basic human functions and not eating in front of them (aside from the requisite, lady-like salad), it’s probably not time yet. When you’re ready to be your realest, most disgustingly flawed self with them around, chances are you’re the human equivalent of a heart-eyed emoji.

Do you know their desires and likes and do they know yours?

You’ll be figuring out all of their little quirks for a while, but having a basic idea of what a person wants and is driven by is a pretty important piece to the puzzle of who they are. You don’t need to be ready to ace “The Newlywed Game,” but if you aren’t at least marginally interested in what they want out of life, saying “I love you” should probably be a little further in the distance. Similarly, if you aren’t ready to ask for what it is you want (and for them to do the same), these kinds of romantic sentiments should probably wait a bit. That kind of trust can be scary, but love without it is even scarier.

Do you miss them when you’re apart?

You don’t miss an afterthought. If their absence is felt, you may be on track for the real thing. If you’re just going about your day without even an errant thought in their direction, you probably aren’t there yet. You’re thoughts don’t need to be consumed by them (be an individual, not a creep), but starting to factor them into your day might be a sign that you’re ready. If the thought of that makes you balk, time to put a stop to this love nonsense. You’re just not there yet.

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