‘Top Chef: New Orleans’ Recap: The Finale

Last week, on Top Chef: Shirley and Louis were sent home, or locked in a Hawaiian dungeon, or whatever it is they do with eliminated contestants at this point in the show.

This week, on Top Chef: The real finale between Nina, the heavy favorite, and Nicholas, who you’re probably rooting against. What follows are the random thoughts that came to mind last night as I watched the show.

-I’m setting the line on a Nina win at -185. Nicholas is +150.

-The two chefs will set up pop-up restaurants. The best meal gets the win. Unless they decide to give Nicholas immunity again.

-We start the episode at the judges table. Everyone is split. Some loved Nicholas’s duck, but Emeril’s was undercooked. I feel like we missed…something.

-We now flashback to 48 hours earlier, which happens to be the name of the spec script I’m working on to get Eddie Murphy’s comedy career back on track. Now I just have to figure out how he’s going to play a younger version of the character he played 31 years ago. The magic of film! Oh yeah, cooking show…

-The deciding meal will be of the four course variety, hopefully with wine pairings from Terlato. Terlato: When your dinner guests can’t tell the difference between good wine and bad.

-Padma status: Wet and voluptuous.

-By the way, that scene with Padma emerging from the ocean was a total throwaway. It had nothing to do with anything other than, hey, Padma’s got great breasts! Let’s do something with that.

-We get a picture of Nicholas in a Tom Brady jersey, in case you forgot you were supposed to be rooting against him.

-Padma shows up in the cheftestant’s suite. She’s still wearing the bikini because continuity is important. She’s joined by a whole bunch of eliminated cheftestants who are carrying their knife rolls and hoping you still remember their names so that they can become Mike Isabella.

-They’ll be picking sous chefs. Nicholas immediately picks Jason. If you remember, those two are total bros from back in Philly. We were all a bit bummed when he got eliminated early in the competition, because he was great fodder.

-Nicholas also selects Louis and Brian. Sexist.

-Nina goes with Shirley, Stephanie and Travis. Shirley calls it Girls vs. Guys, which Travis laughs at because he’s a good gay sport.

-The chefs who weren’t selected are heading to the beach. Any excuse to get Janine and Padma in matching two pieces. Once sunset rolls around each of them will walk into the surf, never to be seen or heard from again. Sorry, Carlos.

-“This is your tree, bro. I’m just a squirrel trying to get a nut.” -Jason, who definitely left us too early to properly appreciate his epic bro-ness.

-Spoiler: Both chefs are starting with a crudo that Gail should definitely not be eating in her condition. Also, Nina is building in two extra surprise courses. So she’s cheating.

-Nina’s crew is setting up shop at the kitchen, and uh oh, there’s no ice cream machine. What in the ever-loving f*ck, Bravo? YOU HAD ONE JOB.

-Nicholas is letting Jason run with his specialty, the scallop noodle. I get that you need to delegate, buuuuut, that’s not your dish, broseph.

-Jason says he weighs 200 pounds, 65 of which is “hair and ego.” He also says “straight hood.” This guy is a mortal f*cking lock to land his own terrible show on Bravo.

-Nicholas tells Tom that he’s going to give panna cotta another try. Tom reminds him that it was “terrible” the first time. Tom stays Tom.

-Nina tells Tom that she’s making zeppole because of the lack of a SIMPLE GOD DAMN APPLIANCE. Tom questions her decision to make a dessert at all. “You always do this,” Nina exclaims. Then Tom laughs and laughs and laughs.

Tom being evil. Image via my television screen.

 

-To be fair, Nicholas is taking charge on those scallop noodles. He’s dictating exactly what he wants.

-The chefs take a break from prep to go eat dinner with Tom and Emeril. But that’s not all! Siplings, spouses and parents are there as well. Hugs and kisses all around, now let’s eat.

-HOLY SH*T, Nicholas’s mom sounds exactly like one of the sisters from The Fighter. Ben Affleck goes to bed wishing he could conjure up this kind of accent.

-Nina’s brother looks a lot like Nina. Like a lot a lot.

-“I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I’m pretty.” Sometimes the best/worst parts of this show is the commercials for Real Housewives of Some Place.

-“Remember that time you were cooking on the finale of Top Chef?” -Jason, showing why it’s good to have a bro on your side.

-Nina’s goat is “chewy as f*ck.” They kick up the temperature on the braise, so yikes.

-Nicholas is already freaking out on his staff. Some of them are missing, so he’s yelling at the ones that are there because that will help. He demotes the top two servers and picks new top servers at random. Good leadership.

-Nina starts things off with her first course. I’m not sure if this is an official course or a bonus course, but it’s crispy breadfruit with a whipped foie gras butter, so just eat it already. It’s a great spin on the breadbasket, and the judges are impressed.

-Next up is the real first course, a tuna and escolar tartar with tomato water and jalapeno.

-Meanwhile, Nicholas is freaking out because he can’t find his expediter. His first dish is a crudo of hamachi and tuna with green apple wasabi, celery and Maui meyer lemon. But first, he corrects his servers on the dish’s proper orientation. He’s oozing dickishness. I know it’s a big moment. I get that you need the waiters to not screw up, but maybe chill out and try to not make the people eating your food super uncomfortable? Because they looks super uncomfortable.

-And the crudo is under-seasoned. Oh, Nicholas. Don’t you have three sous-bros back there to help you taste this stuff?

-Next up is his sweet shrimp bisque with scallop and daikon noodles, topped with Thai basil and abalone. The judges find it lacking in various ways.

-Back over at Nina’s restaurant, it’s time for some pasta. This is her roasted goat sugo with orecchiette, cherry tomato confit and goat cheese. Ugh, that’s some good menu porn, right there. I want to be inside that baby goat. You know what I mean. Anyway, the goat is perfectly cooked! And she was worried. It’s also perfectly seasoned. So it’s perfect, basically.

-Nina’s secondi is next. It’s a beautifully cooked piece of swordfish (that Gail should definitely not be eating) with squash puree, braised kale and smoked onion jus. This seems like a bit of a miss. Sheldon (HI, SHELDON!) the , Hawaiian native from Season 10 thinks it needed some textural contrast. Tom felt that it was the bad kind of culinary fusion.

-Nicholas is worried about the tenderness of his duck, so he takes it from medium rare to medium. But if you recall the show’s opening scene, he still undercooked some of it.

-Here’s the dish. It’s a kombu cured duck breast with kabocha squash, hijiki and ginger. Emeril is chewing. And chewing. Annnnnd chewing. Seems like others got better pieces, as they have no problem. Hugh loves the flavors that are packed into the dish. Emeril is still chewing.

-Last up for Nicholas is that damned panna cotta. Emeril feels that it lacks the requisite jiggle (totally unrelated closeup 0n Padma’s cleavage), but everyone agrees that it’s delicious and they want more. Sadly there are no waitresses around to take this order because Nicholas lit them on fire as punishment for late arriving spoons.

-Back to Nina, and it’s intermezzo time. She’s serving a compressed dragon fruit and frozen papaya skewer. OK, this isn’t cheating, it’s just smart cheffing. That’s a word. Shut up.

-The judges seem really pleased with her decision to offer that palate cleanser.

-Now it’s time for her dessert, chocolate zeppole with macadamia nuts and passion fruit anglaise.

-“It’s ending the meal with a whisper and not with a bang.” -A guy at the judge’s table whose name I should probably know. And he’s right, that’s way too simple to be the final thing you serve on this show. Stupid underwhelming desserts. Scourge of chefs everywhere.

-It’s now time for the two judges tables to switch restaurants, which means we have to do this all over again? And we don’t even get to taste the food? Bullsh*t, man.

-Nicholas is freaking out between services. The kitchen is running smoothly, but the front of the house is a disaster. Hard to blame him for that.

-Maybe I’m reading too much in to one clink of the wine glass, but I think Nick’s mom hates Nick’s wife.

-The crudo is still underseasoned, but the scallop noodles get a much better reception. Tom calls it the best dish he’s had all season. Damn.

-Back over at Nina’s and Emeril keeps demanding seconds on everything. It’s your second four-course dinner of the night, you bastard.

-Now let’s check in with Nicholas…aaaand, he’s screaming his god damn head off at his wait staff. The judges jerk their heads up. Stay cool, Nicholas.

-Insane levels of tension aside, everyone really liked his food. Hey, good for Nicholas. I’m sure he’s nowhere near as bad as they make him look.

-The next Hugh/Padma/Emeril/Morimoto/Other Guy judging group was as underwhelmed by Nina’s dessert as the previous group was. That said, they loved everything else as far as we can tell. Time for judge’s table. I hope there’s a fight.

-Padma and Tom definitely disagree on that scallop noodle dish. Tom backed off of his earlier claim, and said it was his favorite dish Nicholas prepared this season. Padma looked at him like he was some kind of asshole or something.

-Nicholas defended his panna cotta. He claims that he doesn’t like it when it has a lot of jiggle. Well then don’t make panna cotta, because that’s kind of the whole point. I mean I love souffles, but I hate how puffy they get!

-The judges ask Nina if she should be judged on her two extra courses. She defends the decision based on how it improved the meal’s progression. That’s a good enough answer for Tom, who is 30% Terlato at this point.

-Here is a list of the words Hugh used in his assessment of Nina’s goat sugo: Killer, Nailed, Great, Awesome (x2). He’s a treasure.

-Nina admits that she was disappointed with how her swordfish dish came together. If she loses that’s why. Also the dessert, which she called a nice “little bite.”

-Nina won the first course across the board. The judges are split evenly on the second course. While both third courses had their missteps, Nicholas seems to be the clear favorite there. Nicholas won the dessert easily. The judges are split on this. Those who preferred Nina’s second course have very strong feelings about it, with good reason. So they do the natural thing when they are facing a tie and take service into consideration. UH OH FOR NICHOLAS.

-Oh man, they just keep going back and forth. Tom maintains that the two worst dishes were Nina’s zeppole and swordfish, therefore Nicholas should win. Emeril, Hugh and Padma seem like they’re on the other side, with Gail aligned with Tom even though she probably didn’t really get to eat 37.5% of the courses, so why should that matter? Please make a decision, I want to go to bed.

-Nina won 81% of the live vote. The actual win goes to…NICHOLAS. Holy hell.

-OK, I ripped on Nick a fair amount, but good for him. His feud with Carlos was probably overblown, and the whole issue over whether he should resign was totally contrived. Nicholas cooked his ass off, and even an impartial viewer can agree that this win was not unjust. Still, Nina rules. Shirley too.

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