‘True Blood’ True Or False Episode Recap: ‘Death Is Not The End,’ It’s Worse

As I firmly believe that when it comes to True Blood episode recaps I am basically the Internet’s version of Ernest Hemingway, there is one person’s opinion that I value almost as much as my own. That person is Parks and Recreation star and Joe Manganiello Fan Club Empress Retta, and as soon as Alcide Herveaux met his maker in the closing minutes of last week’s episode, I knew her reaction was going to be priceless. The only problem with Retta’s TV viewing habits, though, is that she’s usually late to the party, so I was almost as upset that she waited until Wednesday to watch as I was about Alcide being killed off in the laziest, bullshittiest way imaginable.

But then Retta finally came through with her Twitter recap, and she reaffirmed my belief that she’d be the best person in the world to watch TV with. Especially since she’s friends with Manganiello, and maybe he’d come over and tell me that Sofia Vergara told him that Sarah Hyland won’t stop asking about me. Damn, that girl needs to give it a rest already. As for Retta’s wonderful commentary…

You and us both, Retta. Let’s not get our hopes up too much, because this week’s True Blood episode, “Death is Not the End,” or “The One Where They Kick Eric Northman in the Balls” as I’m calling it, wasn’t much better. It had one or two moments, but the rest is just the delay of the inevitable letdown.

True or False: First thing’s first, the guy in the t-shirt is the best vampire in series history.

I want a spinoff about him before he became infected with Hep-V, and it should be called Vampire Bro and feature a talking bat named T-Bone.

True or False: A Stackhouse is the last person you’d want to call you to tell you that your mom or son died.

In the wake of the trap on the rural road and the shootout in the woods, during which two hicks who have never touched guns in their lives were able to fire off two rounds through fog and bushes and perfectly strike a massive, hulking werewolf in the heart and head to kill him, there were some other meaningless people who died. One of them was Maxine Fortenberry, the wiseass old lady who had her heart hilariously ripped out by Violet when she threatened Jason Stackhouse. We haven’t heard from Maxine’s son, Hoyt Fortenberry, since Season 4 (I think?) but Jason had to call him to fill him in on her death. Meanwhile, Sookie had to call Jackson Herveaux to let him know that Alcide is dead. They also informed some other people, and it really worried me that the whole episode was going to be one long pathetic mourning for one character that got a raw deal and some others that were pointless.

But don’t worry, everyone – there was some other terrible crap mixed in!

True or False: Dude, Eric Northman is a humongous dickhead.

Damn, we knew that Eric Northman was a cold-blooded killer when he wasn’t being a suave pimp of the night vampire, but infecting the hot flight attendant with Hep-V and just giving her the nonchalant news like one of those awful AIDS urban legends that we heard when we were younger? That is just so wrong. But that’s Eric, yo.

True or False: Meanwhile, Pam is the absolute best.

She didn’t have just one Line of the Night winner with this:

But she also killed with this line:

True or False: It’s simply impossible for this show to tell a straight-forward story.

Holy crap. So it took two episodes to get us to Eric, and three to get us to Sarah Newlin, whom he wants to brutally murder for infecting Nora with Hep-V, and now he’s still being punished by the Authority? I spent most of this episode wondering what the f*ck the point of the video store in Shreveport was, other than to let Pam remind everyone how most people feel about Shreveport, and for once I’m giving credit to the writers for tying it all together to make a point in the end. That was pretty decent, I admit; however, they shouldn’t go popping any bottles just yet.