Valentine’s Day is almost here, but for people not feeling the love, there are better ways to spend February 14 than wallowing in pity candy and Two-Buck Chuck. Here are 10 fake TV holidays that are a whole lot more fun than Valentine’s Day:
Galentine’s Day from Parks and Recreation – Galentine’s Day is traditionally celebrated with a brunch of frittatas and French Toast, drowning in whipped cream. Leslie Knope gives all attendees a personalized gift bag, which could include a bouquet of hand-crocheted flower pens, a mosaic portrait made from the crushed bottles of your favorite diet soda, a 5,000-word essay from Leslie Knope about why you are awesome, or a needlepoint pillow with your face on it and the lead headline from a newspaper on the day you were born. It is like Valentine’s Day, but with good friends and more mimosas.
Merlinpeen from 30 Rock – Merlinpeen was born out of desperation not to participate in the office Secret Santa gift exchange, but for a holiday made up on the spot, it is pretty great. Traditions include drinking root beer (which has healing powers), leaving work to go to the movies, and prominently displaying a bowl of meat cubes with a picture of Jimmy Connors. The best part of Merlinpeen, though, is the Holiday of Mouth Pleasures, a night of eating free sausage pizza followed by gentle flossing by a blonde virgin. Unfortunately, skipping out on Secret Santa is really bad karma, and it can have disastrous effects, like getting mistaken for al-Qaeda by the NYPD. Still, infinitely better than Valentine’s Day.
Treat Yo Self Day from Parks and Recreation – On Valentine’s Day, couples are weighed down with expectations, whether the other person knows how to pamper them and treat them well. Treat Yo Self Day cuts out that uncertainty completely. One day a year, Donna and Tom spend a day treating themselves to new clothes, massages, colognes, mimosas, and anything else that they might otherwise deny themselves. Treat Yo Self Day is about loving yourself and allowing yourself a day to relax. You can turn yourself into a cashmere-velvet candy cane or buy a jeweled decorative beetle. You can buy a Batman suit, if you’d like. Forget about those drooping flowers and old boxes of chocolate. The possibilities are endless on Treat Yo Self Day.
Slapsgiving from How I Met Your Mother – Slapsgiving is traditionally celebrated on Thanksgiving, but really, Slapsgiving can happen whenever and wherever friends are gathered with good food, drinks, and an unresolved slap bet. The holiday even has its own carol “You Just Got Slapped” to celebrate the occasion. So long as you are not the slap recipient, Slapsgiving is much more enjoyable.
Weasel Stomping Day from Robot Chicken – Robot Chicken teamed up with Weird Al Yankovic to create this utterly strange holiday. One day a year, everyone dons their Viking helmets, spreads mayonnaise on their lawns, and then stomps on a whole lot of poor innocent weasels. Nobody questions it because as the song says, “It’s tradition, so it’s okay!”
Festivus from Seinfeld – George’s father made up Festivus to protest the commercialization of Christmas after an ill-fated incident shopping for a doll. There is an aluminum pole in lieu of a Christmas tree, and at the Festivus dinner, the family has an annual Airing of Grievances followed by Feats of Strength. The holiday is too weird for Kramer, but it has more potential for fun than Valentine’s Day. Meatloaf isn’t so bad, and George’s boss might share a swig from his flask.
Robanukah from Futurama – Robanukah is one of the many holidays that Bender made up to get out of work, but this is more than just one day. Robanukah is six and a half weeks of drinking, games of droidel, and fembot oil wrestling. Until the Earth’s oil supply runs dry, it is far superior to any human holiday.
Work-Without-Your-Hands-Day, Best Friends Day, Free Day, or Any of the Holidays from SpongeBob SquarePants – If SpongeBob SquarePants wants a holiday, he makes it up on the spot. Best Friends Day is probably the best, but Free Day, a day when anything you want is free, sounds pretty great too.
Chrismukkah from The O.C. – Chrismukkah combines the best traditions from Christmas and Hanukkah into one super-holiday. Seth Cohen created it as a way to reconcile his parents’ very different backgrounds, his mother as a privileged socialite and his father as a poor public defender from the Bronx. There are eight days of presents followed by one day of many presents with a big Christmas tree and stockings. Also, there is one night of Chinese food and a Sylvester Stallone movie. Over the Top is an acceptable choice.
Life Day from The Star Wars Christmas Special – Just kidding. Life Day is the worst. Nobody likes Life Day.