‘WAKE THE F*CK UP: The Most Convincing Half-Naked Mayoral Campaign Ad You’ll Ever See

According to his Twitter bio, Jeffrey Alen Wagner, who’s running for mayor of Minneapolis, Minnesota, “was born to make music video programing that pot smokers and beer drinkers will not turn the channel while our show is on.”

I have no idea what that means, but I do know that Wagner makes some good points in his mayoral campaign ad, which begins with him walking out of a pond wearing only his bathing suit and ends with him stepping back into the water, with a cup of coffee in hand. Should he win the election — and he should with promises like, “I will not take money from the developers. I will not take money from the political angle. I will not even go to the strip clubs anymore. Wake the f*ck up!” — what I want to know is: when will Wagner share his gills technology with the rest of us? Stop hiding the truth, Wagner. We’re onto you, and your little amazing ability to breathe underwater, too.