Please Enjoy Katee Sackhoff’s Hilarious, Sexually-Explicit Stand-Up Set

I have listened to a lot of Nerdist podcast interviews in the past, but the recent one with Battlestar Galactica and Longmire star Katee Sackhoff may have been one of the absolute best. Sackhoff is as awesome as you could ever, ever want her to be. Think of the idealized version of Katee Sackhoff — kick-ass, foul-mouthed, hilarious, quick-witted, dog lover — and this podcast will basically confirm all of those beliefs. (She’s also hugely into MMA, if you’re into that sort of thing, and if you are, you’re probably already well aware of that). Anyway, she is awesome, and not just because of BSG.

I know there’s been some overblown talk about Sackhoff being cast in one of the Phase 3 Marvel movies, and though it’s not true, IT SHOULD BE. Sackhoff seriously, truly deserves incredible amounts of fame. I mean, goddamn: SHE TOLD A JOKE ABOUT A NINE-YEAR-OLD GIRL COMING that just floored everyone in the podcast interview.

Anyway, she’s amazing, and during the podcast, she spoke about her one and one stand-up comedy experience. A few years ago, for a benefit for the Children’s Hospital, Sackhoff was convinced by Mary Lynn Rajskub to do a stand-up set at the Laugh Factory. The theme was “white lies,” and she was told she could do anything she wanted, 20 seconds to whenever. What she did was to recite every white lie she’s ever told, seven pages of them in all. It starts out innocent and funny (“no, those are not my cigarettes”) and goes in a hilarious direction. You’ve got to see this.

The quality is not great (apparently, it was pre-iPhone, so it was recorded with a flip phone), and you can skip straight to the 3:50 mark on the first video (before that was just Rajskub’s introduction, and another minute of Sackhoff rambling nervously). It is totally worth it.

Here are, just a few, among the list of white lies Sackhoff has told:

“I said I’m coming.”

“Your script was fantastic, I totally loved it. You should call my manager.”

“I don’t know why I didn’t lose that 10 pounds. I’ve been really careful with my food choices.”

“Those boobs totally look real.”

“You’re going to be such a good Mom.”

“It was just the tip. I doesn’t count. Seriously. It doesn’t count.”

“I have no idea where your Journey concert T-shirt is.”

“I’m coming. Never stop f***king me.”

“I can’t ever imagine getting tired of going down on you.”

“Of course, that was a real orgasm.”

And if you want to fully explore your crushes on Katee Sackhoff, listen to the entire podcast.