The thing about Westworld is that it’s probably more fun to think about than it is to watch. It’s fine to watch, sure. There’s a lot of action, and Anthony Hopkins and Ed Harris are having a blast being mysterious and evil, and Sidse Babett Knudsen smoking cigarettes might be the best thing on television right now. But the real fun is wrapping your brain around the whole thing. I mean, there’s a hyper realistic Wild West theme park that charges $40,000 a day to let you murder and/or sleep with incredibly lifelike robots that may or may not be evolving and preparing to rise up against their millionaire human guests. That’s kind of a lot.
And so, with that in mind, here’s something I’ve been thinking about lately. Presented below, please find an incomplete list of celebrities that I think would probably go to Westworld if it were a real place. Feel free to add your own in the comments. It’s really quite fun.
Oh God, how much would Quentin Tarantino love Westworld? Oh my God. They’d have to program all the hosts to be able to have in-depth conversations about obscure kung fu movies despite the fact that film had yet to be invented in the Wild West. He’d make Christoph Waltz come with him and Christoph Waltz would be exceedingly polite about it all even as Quentin did a number of things that the human brain cannot unknow. He would go there so much it would put him on the verge of bankruptcy. There would be all these stories in the tabloids with quotes from anonymous concerned friends about it. The people in charge of the park would have to let him buy a condo there or something, just to save him from himself.
The cast of The Bachelor
The Bachelor would do an episode at Westworld, 100 percent, like how the show does Vegas episodes now. They’d dress the contestants up in cute cowgirl outfits and send them on team bounty hunts. One of them would get very drunk and go on a disquieting black-eyed murder spree through town, and then whichever mayo-on-Wonderbread-sandwich is serving as the Bachelor will keep her around for another four to seven episodes.
Scoff if you like, but Martha Stewart has a wild streak and a billion dollars and has been to prison. Find me a more likely Westworld visitor than that.
Maybe the only person who could make killing and humping lifelike robots for pleasure seem harmlessly charming.
By “assorted Kardashian-types,” I’m referring to anyone who would go to Westworld for a week and spend a quarter million dollars just to be able to post an Instagram of themselves in a cowboy hat, possibly standing over an outlaw they killed. I’m also referring to Kim Kardashian, specifically, both because I think she might do that and because I just imagined her making Kanye go and him firing off a dozen or so cranky tweets about how much he hates it there, all of which I would retweet.
Nicolas Cage once spent $276,000 on a Mongolian dinosaur skull that he had to return to the country after it was proven to be stolen. I’m not exactly sure how this proves my point that he would go to Westworld, but I am very sure that it does.
First of all, yes, obviously, but second and more importantly, remember the scene from the show where Ed Harris’ character made a request for pyro as part of his jailbreak? Picture Michael Bay at Westworld just making these requests all day, occasionally for huge explosions that would destroy some important part of the park that can’t be blown up because it would ruin the experience of the other paying customers, while the employee tasked with handling them removes his or her glasses and rubs his or her temples in frustration.
Conan doesn’t seem like the type to book a full-on vacation there, but I could see him doing a remote segment in the park for his show, kind of like when he went apple picking with Mr. T. He could bring a celebrity to this one, too. Maybe, like, 50 Cent, or Dog the Bounty Hunter. I’m just spitballing here.
Dustin Diamond would go to Westworld for one weekend and somehow end up becoming the only person to ever get banned from the park for life.
Matthew McConaughey sitting on a barstool in a tavern surrounded by the smoking corpses of two dozen robots that he rendered incapacitated not by shooting them, but by saying weird pseudo-philosophical McConaughey things to them that were so out there that their circuitry couldn’t process any of it, causing their motherboards to fry out.
For some reason I’m picturing Kid Rock being the only person who they let use a four-wheeler instead of a horse, authenticity be damned.
A) Of course, B) at some point there would definitely be a huge political scandal about a lobbyist sending elected officials to Westworld for drunken murder orgies. This fictional scenario is the only thing that could ever get me to watch cable news.
I have no real explanation for this one but I can feel it in my bones.
Follow me here: We, the viewers of the show, don’t really know where Westworld is located. It could be out in the Arizona desert, or in another country, or out in space somewhere, given the show’s apparent setting at some point in the future. It could be, literally, anywhere. And that means that there is at least some small chance that the entire Westworld theme park is located inside a huge bubble at the bottom of the ocean. No way Cameron could resist that.
I asked for input on this post in the Uproxx Slack and our Caleb Reading tossed this name out, saying “Chenoweth just ankling robots a foot taller than her to get them to the ground then twisting their heads off while screaming high-pitched obscenities.” At first I just laughed, but the more I thought about it the more I thought it’s legit. No one can be that bubbly and cheery. There’s a burning, murderous rage somewhere in that tiny body, I know it.