At a travel agency, where an awkward recent lottery winner named Ned has just had his number called and is making his way from the waiting area to the desk of Phil, one of the agents
PHIL: Mornin’, fella. What can I do for you today?
NED: I’d, uh, like to book a vacation.
PHIL: Great! Where to? Miami? Hawaii? Maybe a little romantic getaway in Paris for you and the Mrs.?
NED: Um, no. I’m not married.
PHIL: Ah, a single man, lookin’ for a bachelor’s getaway. What are we thinkin’ here, Vegas? A cruise? Because let me tell you, we have some great deals on cruises right now, and there is no better way to meet yourself a little lady than to be out there on the high seas, that salty ocean air waftin’ about, lookin’ like Leo DiCaprio in Titanic.
NED: Didn’t he drown in that movie, though?
PHIL: Hmm, well I suppose he did. Fair point. No cruise. What did you have in mind?
NED: [whispers, starts acting real shifty] Westworld.
PHIL: What’s that? I couldn’t hear you. This dang AC makes such a racket.
NED: [a tiny bit louder] Um, Westworld.
PHIL: Son, for the life of me I can’t figure out what you’re saying. Speak up!
NED: I’d like to go to Westworld.
PHIL: Westworld! Well I’ll be, I didn’t have you pegged for the Westworld type.
NED: I just think it could be f-…
PHIL: [Yelling to the back.] Hey, Shirley! Grab the Westworld brochures!
NED: [Looks around nervously.] I was hoping maybe we could keep this a little quie-…
PHIL: Now, I should tell you, and I’m sure you’ve done your research on this because you look like a thorough fella, this could get a bit pricy. Like 40 grand a day. You able to swing that?
NED: Well, yes. See, I just won the lottery and I was th-…
PHIL: A lottery winner! Well hot damn. Good time to be ol’ Ned, I suppose. Hey, Shirley! Ned here won the lottery.
[Shirley emerges from the back with a cigarette dangling from her lips and a stack of papers that she plops on Phil’s desk.]
SHIRLEY: Bully for Ned.
PHIL: Ahh, don’t mind ol’ Shirley. She’s excited for you. We all are. So what are you thinkin’ here, one week? Two?
NED: Um, two? I guess.
PHIL: Oo wee, Ned’s goin’ all out! Well let me start drawin’ up the paperwork for ya. I gotta ask, though, just outta curiosity… why Westworld? Lifelong dream of being a cowboy?
NED: Well, I, uh…
PHIL: Been dreamin’ of catchin’ outlaws since you were a little rascal, sippin’ your sippy cup of juice and pretendin’ it was frontier whiskey, linin’ up your stuffed animals like a poker game and then blowin’ away the no good fugitives you caught cheatin’?
NED: Actually I’ve never b-…
PHIL: Or do you wanna wear the black hat and be an outlaw yourself, runnin’ around robbin’ and stealin’ and killin’ anyone who looks at you with a cross eyeball, like Billy the Kid or one of them… what was the evil gunslinger’s name in Tombstone? The one who had it out for Doc Holiday?
NED: I don’t kn-
PHIL: Shirley! What was that guy’s name?!
SHIRLEY: [Without looking up.] Johnny Ringo.
PHIL: Johnny Ringo! That what you’re thinkin’?
NED: [Fidgets in chair.] To be honest, I’m not all that into the cowboy thing.
PHIL: [Loud belly laugh.] Well then why do you wanna spend half a million dollars to go to a hyper-realistic Wild West playgroun… ahhh, I get it.
NED: Can we just do the paperwork and get this fini-…
PHIL: [Winks at Ned.] I see what’s happenin’ here.
NED: [Begins blushing.] Please, if you could just give me the information, I can take it home and fill it out myse-…
PHIL: Shirley! Check this out! Ol’ Ned here wants to hump himself some robots!
[Shirley briefly glances toward Ned before lighting a new cigarette off of her old one and returning to her crossword puzzle.]
PHIL: Well hot dog. Look at you.
NED: [Sinks into chair.]
PHIL: Now now, there’s no need to be embarrassed here, pal. You’re not the first red-blooded man who came into a pile of cash and set out to hump a robot, and you sure as hell won’t be the last. Why, I’ve thought about it myself once or twice.
NED: Please stop talki-…
PHIL: One time my brother and I almost invested in company that makes robots for, well let’s just say “personal use.” Decided not to on account of my wife at the time, who thought the money could be better spent on some household renovations. Still regret it to this day. We did get to try out the product first, if you get my drift. Lemme ask you this: Have you ever had relations with a robot, Ned?
NED: [Thinking that it would be okay to just die right then and there if it meant not having to listen to Phil anymore.]
PHIL: Because it is quite an experience. Oo wee.
NED: I… on second thought, maybe I’ll just book a trip to Disney online. I gotta go. I… I gotta go.
[Ned grabs all the paperwork and scurries out as fast as he can, totally mortified, bumping into the door and dropping everything on his way out.]
PHIL: Aw, Ned. Come on, back. I was just gettin’ to the good part!
SHIRLEY: You scared the pervert off. Again.
PHIL: Ah, dang. Oh well. Who’s next?!
[Rich and Sarah, a married couple who is there to book a vacation for their 20th anniversary and have overheard the entire conversation between Ned and Phil, get up and start walking to Phil’s desk.]
RICH: Oooo, honey. What about Westwor-
SARAH: We’re not spending $40,000 a day for you to f*ck robots on our anniversary, Rich.
