What If Presidential Politicians Were More Like Kenny Powers?

Entertainment Features
03.21.12 9 Comments

Kenny Powers is man who has the ball; he’s the man who can throw it faster than f**k. That’s why he’s better than everyone in the world. Not only does the man hold the rookie record for saves (49) he’s also a gentle lover, but most of all, he’s a goddamn champion. He’s an icon. The only thing that Kenny Powers hasn’t managed yet is landing a big shoe deal, but that’s because no shoe company has had the balls to associate themselves with the bulletproof tiger. But K-Swiss has magnum sized balls. They’ve embraced the essence of Kenny Powers, and appointed him the Motherfu*ckin’ Chief Executive Office (MFCEO) of K-Swiss.

Powers has this new spot out where he basically channels Steve Jobs, if Steve Jobs had an arm like a damn rocket, a c*ck like a burmese python, and the mind of a f**king scientist. In this spot, he introduces K-Swiss’ new shoe, Blades, and honestly, it’s one of the funniest ads you’ve ever lay your puny little eyes on. There’s a animated sequences where he cuts up children, another where he hangs out with half-naked chicks on the moon, and even a sit-down with Bruce Lee to discuss how to make the fastest shoe you’ve ever seen. You will sh*t your pants, nerd.

The thing that struck me most about the video, though, is what an awesome motivational speaker Kenny Powers is. He has the ability to rally a base, inspire an electorate, and bring voters to their knees. If politicians were more like Kenny Powers, there’d be no gridlock in Washington. Kenny Powers could get sh*t done. There’d be no wars, either, because every other country in the world would be too terrified of the awesome power of the United States to do pose a threat.

What I’m proposing is this: Presidential candidates should stop listening to their pussy advisers, and start their cues from Kenny Powers. Campaign speeches wouldn’t be tepid affairs anymore; they’d be like rock concerts where chicks would throw their bras at the candidates. What would it look like? It’d look something like this:

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