Over the weekend SB Nation contributor and pun enthusiast Adam Jacobi raised an interesting question on Twitter, and I think it’s one worth discussing here: What the hell is going on in the Buick commercial above, where a couple is admiring the new car their neighbor, Mr. Garcia, has just purchased?
I mean, it seems straightforward at first glance. Mr. Garcia bought a fancy new car and his neighbors — who I have chosen to refer to as Heather and Dan — are intrigued by the whole thing. Especially Heather. (Especially Heather.) But here’s the thing about this commercial: the second you start asking questions about it, the whole thing starts unraveling. Every rock you kick over reveals a new mystery.
- Why are Heather and Dan so impressed by Mr. Garcia’s new car? Both couples appear to live in an exclusive gated community. Heather and Dan have a high-end kitchen — with TWO SINKS — that probably cost more than Mr. Garcia’s Buick. Everyone here looks very wealthy. So why are Heather and Dan so infatuated with Mr. Garcia’s new car and whether he got a raise? Was Mr. Garcia having money problems? Are Heather and Dan having money problems? Is it a secret? Did Dan dump their life savings into that expensive dual-sinked kitchen only to get canned from his job at the investment bank weeks later, leaving them in dire financial straits? Is that what’s going on here?
- Are Heather and Dan having marriage problems? Is that what that little “Good for her” at the end is about? A little dagger into the side of the husband who plunged them both into bankruptcy? Or are they okay financially and Heather just kind of wants to bone Mr. Garcia, and has no problem implying that while doing the dishes with her spouse?
- Why do they keep binoculars next to the kitchen sink? Seriously.
- Why is Mr. Garcia so relaxed about his creepy neighbors staring at him with binoculars through their kitchen window in broad daylight? What would you do if you caught your next door neighbors staring at you with binoculars through their kitchen window? I’ll tell you what I would not do: smile and wave. Unless there’s … a reason you’d expect them to be spying on you.
This last thing brings me to my theory about this commercial, and it’s one I have put a lot of thought into. Just hear me out here: I think Heather and Dan are undercover cops who are staking out Mr. Garcia.
Think about it. It makes sense. It explains why they’re so fascinated by his new car purchase (either because it’s a new vehicle they need to document for surveillance purposes, or because it’s another expensive asset he acquired), it explains why they keep binoculars handy, and it might even explain the seemingly cold “Good for her” from Heather (weeks of staking out Garcia have resulted in her getting in too deep and starting to fall for his felonious charm, much to the chagrin of Dan, who has been harboring a crush on her since their days in the academy and was hoping to use this sham marriage cover as a way to win her heart, hence the little Halpert-esque look of devastation he gives her at the end and yes I have been thinking about this commercial for almost 48 straight hours, why do you ask?).
And maybe the reason Mr. Garcia smiles and waves is because he knows they’re watching him but he doesn’t care, and that’s just his cocky way of letting him know he sees them, like the way a crime boss in a movie will invite his adversaries over for an elegant dinner like it’s no big deal. Oh, he’ll show you his art collection and open an expensive bottle of wine and next thing you know you’re staring into his eyes and forgetting all about the investigation. It’s all part of his plan. No wonder Heather is smitten. Garcia is smooth as hell.
Anyway, with any luck Buick will produce a follow-up to this commercial that explains things a little further. I’m picturing Heather and Dan getting hauled into the chief’s office, with the chief threatening to take them off the case and calling Heather a “loose cannon.” It’s the next logical step, really.