Magic Beyond Words: the JK Rowling Story (Lifetime) — The comely Poppy Montgomery (“Without a Trace”) stars in Lifetime original movie about the Harry Potter author. Ooohhh, I hope there’s an awesome typing montage! (Fun fact: Montgomery’s parents named her Poppy Petal Emma Elizabeth Deveraux Donahue because they’re pretentious hippie dickwads.)
Man Vs Wild (Discovery) — Bear Grylls travels to New Zealand, where he must learn to fornicate with sheep in order to stave off deadly boredom.
Hell’s Kitchen (Fox ) — Season premiere. Gordon Ramsay returns once again to yell at chefs who couldn’t get on “Top Chef.”
Giuliana & Bill (Style) — Season premiere. I’d pay good money to see Giuliana Rancic and Bethenny Frankel fight each other to the death to determine the too-skinny butterface queen of gay cable. (Winner gets pushed into a wood chipper.)
LADYCOPS! (TNT) — Rizzoli & Isles go for a relaxing trip to the spa, where of course a dead body turns up. “Looks like our mud bath…” (*sunglasses*) “… just got turned into a blood bath.” YEAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!