What’s on Tonight: Blonde Vs. Bear

Blonde vs. Bear (Animal Planet) — Series premiere. I think of this as a more specific version of “Man vs. Wild” that panders to the Internet. As Drew Magary noted, “Oh, my money is definitely on the bear. It’s like rock-paper-scissors. Bear beats blonde. Blonde beats traffic ticket. Traffic ticket angers bear.” (Actually, conservationist Ann Bryant is the blonde, and she’s out to help save bears.)

Parks and Recreation (NBC) — Finally, new episodes return to NBC’s Thursday comedy block. The long-awaited Harvest Festival is finally upon the town of Pawnee.

Community (NBC) — Alison Brie and Danny Pudi were on G4’s “Attack of the Show” the other night, and Brie revealed that she at one point had her tongue pierced. Then she wagged her tongue around while the camera zoomed in on her mouth. It was a religious experience for me, and I’ve included the video below so that you too can know God’s love. (GIF via)

Archer (FX) — Malory has a brush with cancer on tonight’s episode, which couldn’t possibly be better news. I love cancer jokes.

American Idol (Fox) — In the interest of professional relevance, I actually caught a couple minutes of last night’s show. Some chick sang the song from Pocahontas, and that was enough of that.

Bones (Fox) — Bones and Booth get stuck in an elevator during a blackout. It’s the perfect show for people who like “Castle” but wish the stars were less attractive and had less chemistry.