Windtalkers (Starz, 8:00 p.m.) – Yes, this film may be a completely inaccurate portrayal of the Navajo code talkers and their contributions to WWII, but it also has the two key qualities of a Nic Cage action film: all the dialogue is either whispered or screamed, and everything in the movie is on fire. (An SNL reference had to be made somewhere in this post. Sorry not sorry.) This film also has Cage displaying his best acting talent: the ability to play a howling psychopath who kills a bunch of people and blows stuff up.
Gotham (Fox, 8:00 p.m.) – The Penguin’s bromance with Maroni may soon be coming to an end and Gordon’s abilities are called into question by the young Bruce Wayne after the future caped crusader confronts the detective for failing to find out who killed his family. To be fair, the kid does have a point. That double homicide happened all the way back in episode one.
The Bachelor (ABC, 8:00 p.m.) – A hot air balloon ride may sound romantic to some, but for one contestant named Britt (who is apparently adverse to showering and all other forms of personal hygiene maintenance) it is literally her worst nightmare. I’m sure the producers didn’t know that before they set up this date though …
The Celebrity Apprentice (NBC, 8:00 p.m.) – OMG you guys, someone stole Vivica Fox’s phone. Just kidding, what probably happened is Fox got caught tweeting something she shouldn’t have and decided to blame it on another contestant in the boardroom. But who cares because it gives NBC the opportunity to create an overly dramatic promo trailer and accompanying hashtag. Phonegate 2015 is a go.
The Originals (CW, 8:00 p.m.) – Rebekah’s making friends at the insane asylum and Klaus is dead set on stopping this whole marriage ritual thing with Jackson and Hayley.
WWE Monday Night Raw (USA, 8:00 p.m.) – Triple H has an announcement that “will shake WWE to its core.” Sorry Roman Reigns. Things aren’t looking too good for you buddy.
Jane the Virgin (CW, 9:00 p.m.) – A writing internship for your dad’s telenovela is great and all but at some point you’ll probably be asked to draft a script for his character’s death which means you’ve basically fired your own father. #awkward
Sleepy Hollow (Fox, 9:00 p.m.) – The man responsible for the Salem Witch Trials returning from the afterlife spells trouble for Katrina. Meanwhile, Ichabod learns what a pixel is and Henry has an identity crisis.
Swamp People (HIST, 9:00) – Some trash-talking and friendly competition break out as a $10,000 bounty for the biggest gator is posted in the Season 6 premiere.
NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS, 10:00 p.m.) – “Callen and Sam work undercover as food truck owners in Mexico to find the source of an anthrax poisoning and prevent a bioterrorism attack.” No joke, that’s the official episode description.
Eye Candy (MTV, 10:00 p.m.) – What started out as MTV’s creepy PSA against online dating is now entering into Saw territory and I’m kind of loving it. A group of high schoolers who rent a party bus after graduation turn up missing and Lindy’s on the case. Another thing I like about this show: its slightly ironic episode titles. (YOLO.)
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Michael Keaton and Gwen Stefani on Fallon; Rob Gronkowski and Eva Longoria on Kimmel; Eddie Redmayne and Bob Costas on Conan; Jack Hanna and Sharon Jones on Letterman; Marion Cotillard and Dame Edna join guest host Sean Hayes on The Late Late Show; John Oliver and Mike Greenberg on Meyers; Martin Short on The Daily Show; and Nick Kroll on @Midnight.