NCAA Basketball Championship (CBS) — Butler versus Duke. I’ve already come to grips with a Duke victory. It will merely fuel another decade of hatred.
Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations (Travel) — I finally finished reading Kitchen Confidential. Frankly, I would’ve liked to hear more about the slutty waitresses.
Runaway Squad (A&E) — Series premiere. A former NYPD detective reunites runaway kids and their families. “Okay, you guys search the bus station and truck stop bathrooms. I’ll look in the strip clubs and whorehouses.”
Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood (Oxygen) — Season 5 premiere. This show doesn’t exist to me.
Christian Siriano: Having a Moment (Bravo) — The Season 4 “Project Runway” winner gets an hour-long special. Unless he’s getting fed to zoo animals, I’m not interested.
Celebrity Fit Club (VH1) — Remember when VH1 was interesting? “Pop-up Video,” “I Love the ’80s” — this channel used to be run by sentient human beings.
Little People, Big World (TLC) — Season 5 premiere. Followed by an all-new “Ultimate Cake-Off.” There will always be more television to hate than television to love.