How I Met Your Mother (CBS) — Jennifer Lopez guest stars. She’s so versatile! Is there a TV show she can’t make worse? (full image here)
Chuck (NBC) — I tuned out after watching the first couple episodes this season, but apparently tonight’s episode is a game-changer. I hope the change is to a sexier game with more realistic choreography for its fight scenes.
The Bachelor (ABC) — What’s that you say? This show ended last week? Oh no: it never ends. This is the televised wedding of Jason Mesnick and Molly Malaney — the woman Mesnick originally sent home at the final rose ceremony. How exciting! You get to watch a wedding without the fun of knowing the people or enjoying the free booze and food at the reception.
Animal Cops: Miami (Animal Planet) — “What do you mean, Lassie was played by a male dog? Sounds like this could be a… *sunglasses*… real bitch of a case.” YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Gossip Girl (CW) — The show returns from a long hiatus. How long was it? Not long enough. ZINGO! But seriously, Blake Lively needs to do something naked already. It can even be tasteful, I don’t care.
House (Fox) — Laure Prepon guest stars as a blogger who solicits medical advice online while admitted to House’s hospital. I’m sure House will love that.
Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations (Travel) — I’m just finally getting around to reading Kitchen Confidential. It’s doing nothing to lessen my jealousy of the life that Bourdain has lived. I wish it were the ’70s so I could have all the irresponsible sex and drugs I could get my hands on.