Marvel’s Agent Carter (ABC, 8:00 p.m.) – To hold us over until S.H.I.E.L.D. returns, Marvel’s giving us another hero (more accurately heroine) with Agent Carter. Tonight’s two-hour premiere sets up the plot for the next eight episodes: mainly, Hayley Atwell kicking ass and taking names as the lone female agent in some sexist secret agency known as the SSR. Think Alias in post WWII America mixed in with a little Marvel superhero sy-fy and you’ve got the basic outline for this one.
NCIS (CBS, 8:00 p.m.) – A copycat crime scene caper is on the loose and along with solving the case, Gibbs has the added joy of dealing with not one, but two ex-wives.
Pretty Little Liars (ABC Family, 8:00 p.m.) – The girls still don’t know who “A” is but they’re pretty sure it’s Allison. After five seasons of trying to figure out who the real killer is, I highly doubt it’s someone whose name actually starts with an “A” but then again I don’t really watch this show so I’m not qualified to make any assumptions. I’ll just let this well-dressed group of high school girls solve the case, they’ve been doing a bang up job so far.
Marry Me (NBC, 9:00 p.m.) – When you show up to a baby shower, it’s good to remember the name of the woman actually having the baby. Also, warning to the men out there, anything with the word “baby” in it automatically makes a woman think of her ticking biological clock. Someone should’ve told that to Jake.
Dance Moms (Life, 9:00 p.m.) – Season 5 premieres with one girl quitting, another possibly suing the studio and dance dictator Abby Lee Miller offering up some signature tough love. Honestly though the only reason I watch this show is because it makes me appreciate the fact that I had absolutely no talent growing up. If I did, I could’ve ended up like these girls with their bat sh*t crazy stage moms. Bullet dodged.
New Girl (Fox, 9:00 p.m.) – In a shocking turn of events, Winston actually graduates from the Police Academy but Nick and Coach aren’t fans of his new training officer. Disclaimer: This episode also features Zooey Deschanel being quirky and adorable.
About A Boy (NBC, 9:30 p.m.) – Marcus and Will celebrate their one-year anniversary and Fiona prepares to take the next step with Chris. This might just be me but does anyone find it at all weird that this British lady lets her pre-teen son hang out with her unemployed hermit of a neighbor who happens to be a fully grown man?
The Mindy Project (Fox, 9:30 p.m.) – Mindy heads back to Stanford and doesn’t make a good first impression in her fellowship class. But who cares because next week, Lee Pace will be on the show. Lee f*cking Pace!
Chicago Fire (NBC, 10:00 p.m.) – Mills and Brett are kidnapped by a couple of thugs while responding to a call (bet they really wish they could’ve saved that gangster’s son now) and the team call on Chicago P.D. to help get their rescue workers back. Just waiting to see how many crossovers it takes for NBC to say “f*ck it” and merge all of its series together into one giant super show.
Ground Floor (TBS, 10:00 p.m.) – Brody’s excited to start a new job with his new boss. His first assignment: Take down Mansfield. Meanwhile Jenny and Derrick create an online dating profile for Harvard who may be lacking in the love department but he’s cleaning up in the “friends who enjoy butting into your business” category.
Cougar Town (TBS, 10:30 p.m.) – Laurie’s pregnancy prompts Jules to swear off the vino. Unfortunately for her, the rest of the group just ain’t down with that and they set up a speakeasy in Tom’s garage. Do the people on this show have an obvious drinking problem that they probably need professional help with? Yes. Do I care? No.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Nicole Kidman and Patton Oswalt on Fallon; Matt LeBlanc and Hayley Atwell on Kimmel; Anna Faris and Allison Janney on Conan; Ethan Hawke on Letterman; and Jessica Lange on Meyers.