What’s On Tonight: Merry Christmas Ya Filthy Animals, ‘The Great Christmas Light Fight’ Is Back

The Great Christmas Light Fight (ABC, 8:00 p.m.) – Season 2 premieres tonight with four families competing for the $50,000 grand prize. That sounds like a lot of money until you factor in what each of these people shell out for their electric bill each month. Really? You need 2 million Christmas lights? Since this show only serves to encourage my annoying neighbor who likes to sync up his lights to weird techno music every year, I will not be watching. Merry f*cking Christmas.

The Fosters (ABC Family, 8:00 p.m.) – The motley crew is back and the holidays aren’t looking too festive. Christmas is hard even if you have a normal family so imagine all the sh*t that’s going to go down with this group. Two foster kids, two adopted kids, and one biological kid who’s still trying to hook up with one of his “siblings.” And you thought your family was weird.

The Originals (CW, 8:00 p.m.) – It only took eight episodes but finally, Klaus and Haley have decided it might be a good thing to reunite with their newborn daughter. Crazy Uncle Elijah is still hung up on murdering innocent diner workers and Grandma Esther has decided to team up with Grandpa Mikael to get rid of her children once and for all. It’s looking like Baby Hope is going to have some great role models in her life.

Mike & Molly (CBS, 8:30 p.m.) – Molly comes home after completing her writer’s workshop and she’s got some big news, but who really cares because Melissa McCarthy is back on TV!

Jane the Virgin (CW, 9:00 p.m.) – Ahhh, the awkward moment when you have to tell your current BF and father of your unborn child (whose baby you were accidentally artificially inseminated with a couple of weeks ago) that yes, you are in fact, a virgin. Sorry buddy. It looks like you won’t be getting into someone’s maternity pants anytime soon.

Switched at Birth (ABC Family, 9:00 p.m.) – Since Christmas sucks, the girls decided to snack on some chanted garlic knots (ABC Family code for shrooms) and imagine what life would be like if they were born to the right parents.

NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS, 10:00 p.m.) – It takes a couple of murdered marines to make Sam finally realize he may actually have daddy issues.

State of Affairs (NBC, 10:00 p.m.) – Charlie receives more threatening texts (why a top-level CIA analyst can’t do a simple trace on an unknown number is beyond me) and the team works to contain a smallpox outbreak in Panama.

Castle (ABC, 10:00 p.m.) – Nothing says Christmas like taking your new wife to a strip club to meet one of your old crime boss pals.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Aaron Paul and Krysten Ritter on Kimmel; Chris Rock and Carrie Underwood on Fallon; Evangeline Lilly on Conan; Joaquin Phoenix on Letterman; Carrie Fisher on Ferguson; and Martin Freeman and Eliza Coupe on Meyers.