Gossip Girl (CW) – My fiancée watches “Gossip Girl” (necessary disclaimer), and every season of the show is more nonsensical than the last. Meaning, it’s a Josh Schwartz series. Tonight, Leighton Meester gets married to a prince. Why? I have no idea. Prince of what? No clue. Is Michelle Trachtenberg involved? YES.
RuPaul’s Drag Race (Logo) – I’ve heard this is the greatest reality show ever (which is a bit like having the world’s smallest large-screen TV, to steal a line from Hank Azaria), from people who otherwise hate reality shows. On a dull Monday night, “Drag Race” might be your best option. I owe RuPaul as much, considering he was the first drag queen I ever knew by name and that’s not something you forget. Thanks, Brady Bunch Movie.
Fear Factor (NBC) – If I was working on a computer that didn’t track my online searches, I’d look into how many times the phrase “donkey semen” was Google’d last week, compared to any other week ever. You’d assume there’d be a major increase, but there are a lot of Germans out there, so who knows.
Fashion Police (E!) – Doesn’t it seem like Giuliana Rancic has been on E! for roughly 46 years now?
Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives (Food Network) – Our favorite bleach-blonde, greasy walrus makes “deep fried pork chops with sweet and spicy pepper jelly,” which is also how Guy likes his women.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Jennifer Lopez and Rob Schneider on Letterman; Madonna, Chris Colfer, and Joe Perry on Leno; Marc Maron and Fishbone on Kimmel; Don Cheadle and Andrea Riseborough on Ferguson; Glenn Close, Emma Rossum, and Nada Surf on Fallon; Maya Rudolph and Chris Gethard on Conan; Lou Dobbs on Stewart; and Laurence H. Tribe on Colbert.